The Bucking Bronco: Where do you hide your porn?
Ashley Sage Ellison hides her porn in her cleavage.
Last week, I solicited the help of you, the reader, for topics for this week’s “Bucking Bronco.” In the least surprising news of the decade, you failed me. Miserably. Therefore, you’re stuck with the topic du jour: why the hell do we hide our porn?
Get this. Even I hide my porn.
Now wrap your minds around that for a second. I’m a 28-year-old man who works in porn. My live-in girlfriend knows exactly what I do for a living. Even my parents are fully aware that I get paid to stare at naked women for eight hours a day. And yet, when I go home at night and turn on the computer, I have to click through a half-dozen secretly named folders just to find a picture of Ashley Sage’s beautiful boobs.
I’m not joking. And when I hide my porn, I go all out. I become a fucking ninja. You’re not going to come over to my house and find some gang bang action sitting right on my computer’s desktop. No, I tuck that shit inside of a folder, which goes inside of a folder, which goes inside of another folder, all named after some fake computer software that I know nobody in their right mind would ever go looking through. I name those folders all sorts of weird shit, too: RSU_Updates, WinPRN, BBMO98. The more intense the porn, the more elaborately I name the folder.
Even your Internet browser knows you’re playing 007 with that stuff. That’s why Firefox, Chrome and every other browser give you the option to start a “Private Browsing” session. Who, exactly, was that designed for, other than people looking at porn? Have you ever been looking at CNN’s website and thought, “Man, I really wish there were a way for me to hide this from my wife…” Of course not. It’s all about hiding the porn.
And here’s the reason.
No matter how confident your girl is in your relationship, no matter how much she trusts you, there’s always going to be that chance that she finds your porn collection on the one day she’s feeling insecure. And then you’re fucked. Because, generally speaking, women don’t see things the same way men do. As men, we know that even though our sex life may be fine, we’d like to watch an Asian girl get pounded in the ass once in a while. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we wish it were us. It just means that we appreciate that someone else filmed it for our enjoyment. Hey, who are we to argue?
If a woman were to find this on a particularly a bad day, though, you better believe you’re going to be having insecure, lights-off, missionary sex for the better part of a month. Good luck with that. Of course, that’s only going to come AFTER the three-hour “What does she have that I don’t?” conversation. And don’t even act like you haven’t had that one before.
So, in order to prevent this terrible chain of events, we bury our porn like a treasure chest. It may seem dumb, but it’s a necessary part of being a man. Admit it. You do it, too. It’s not an act of cowardice, so don’t feel ashamed. It’s just smart. Because in a perfect world, you can let the boobs roam free. But here in the real world, they’ve gotta be kept a few mouse clicks away from civilization.
Feel free to share your porn-stashing secrets in the comments below. Or tell us if you’re the pornographic rebel who leaves his shit out there for the world to see. Or just call me a jerk off. Whichever you prefer.
Tags: Ashley Sage Ellison, guest blog, hiding porn
Categories: Confessions, Guest Bloggers
nasty rumours going about that score have given up on ashley is there any truth in that for goodness sake i hope not
Rumors? Of course that’s not true.–Dave
WOW! Hit the nail right on the head!
I have the porn on my computer hidden in a secret file using Microsoft Windows XP. I also keep stuff backed up on disc’s
I keep my DVD’s and Porn Disc’s in one of those cases that people use for their CD’s. Instead I use them for my DVD’s. The case holds like over 200 DVD’s and it has a key lock on it. I keep it in the trunk of my car behind a toolbox.
The reason I keep them in my car is because I have a car stereo head unit with a pop out screen that I play my movies on. Damn shame I have to watch my porn on a 6″ screen when I got a 60″ HDTV flat screen in my living room and a 46″ HDTV flatscreen in my bedroom. Life of a family man. LOL!
I keep all my Voluptuous and XL mags in crates wrapped in plastic in one of them large plastic upright bins with front doors you can buy at Lowes/Home Depot. Mines is able to be locked with a padlock.
The keys for my DVD’s and mags are kept in a secret spot I will not reveal on the internet. I have kids so I have to hide my porn. My old lady is just like every other female out there, she wishs I would throw it out, but that is impossible. I love porn.
Plus I have DVD’s and mags that you can no longer buy. I own every issue of Voluptuous and XL. My stuff is a collectors dream!
Peace.
I’m not clever enough to hide my porn. That’s why i bought my girlfriend her own computer for the holidays. I am broke now, but i dont have that worry anymore.
It’s not that my wife don’t know about my jack collection, but I have some fetish stuff that could make her a bit weirded out. So I put all my porn material in a folder called “AAA”.
I make sure my screensaver won’t throw up porn, and I use Chrome just for porn–so my Firefox history is “clean”. But that’s mostly for guests–I don’t hide my porn from my wife.
@Fuz: Dave, Elliot & Maria already get the good stuff. (I mean, really, did you see Dave’s last video?) I’m just here to cover the part where life and porn begin to cross paths.
Myself, I like the word “pron.” I don’t hide it but I don’t display box covers in my windows either. When I’ve watched pron with girls, I usually picked the ones with small-dicked guys.
Ok – right now your 0 & 2 fouling off every pitch
on account of you having a gf with a great rack.
You’re about as interesting as Rush Limbaugh when he’s not
on meds.
You work in porn, for porn, so engage us in porn.
Interview Bailey; ask Ashley what her take on
On sudden nipple erection, anything but what’s starting
to come off as your own personal bout with adolescence;
First masturbating spots, now stashing porn.
The name Buckin’ Bronco suggests a guy who “cums” in & gets the job done
with an amazing story to tell. Your still killing me, Smalls!
PS. I heart Samantha 38G 🙂
1) Separate Firefox profile just for porn-surfing. Better than “Private Browsing” because while it still keeps your primary profile “clean”, the porn-exclusive profile can still keep track of all of your website passwords, history, etc.
2) All pics and vids are stored on an encrypted, password-protected virtual disk image file (I’m a Mac user, so the capability to do so is native) — which is itself stored on an external hard drive. That shit’s locked down TIGHT against others, but super-simple to use if you know what you’re doing.
Also, thanks for opening this with a shot of my favorite girl ever. 😀
Oh lord that is one boner exploding picture. Very sexy.
Pics of a super hot guy in my place has sent the men I see over the edge in jealousy… So men are no different. I hide those pics now.
I do have all of my porn stashed away, but then I have friends with kids. So it isn’t practical to have that laying around obvious.
Smooches,
Sam
Correct me if I’m wrong, but if we tell you our porn-stashing secrets, then they won’t really be a secrect anymore, will they?