The Bucking Bronco: You get what you pay for, Part I

You won't find Daphne Rosen's boobs on Chatroulette. In fact, you won't find ANYTHING on Chatroulette.

I’m fairly certain that Facebook and MySpace were created for the sole purpose of obtaining free porn. Sure, they hide behind the term social networking, but who here HASN’T rubbed one out to that hot girl from high school that you tell your wife you were such good friends with but really spoke to only once, when you needed to borrow a sheet of paper? I mean, really, if she’s going to post half-naked photos from her last trip to the Bahamas, well, I’m only human.

There was a distinct line drawn in the sand, though. Facebook, MySpace; they bring you one step closer to seeing these women naked, but they never quite deliver the goods. After all, they’re claiming to be social networking sites, not porn. I guess it makes it sound classier.

Enter Chatroulette.com. Where other social networking sites make a half-hearted attempt to camouflage their pornographic tendencies, Chatroulette seemingly has no shame.

The concept is simple. You sit in front of your webcam, click PLAY and are instantly connected to someone else sitting in front of their webcam. It’s completely random, so you could wind up talking to a guy in Peru, a girl in Russia or your mom in the next room. Then, when you get bored of that person, you click NEXT and, like magic, a new person appears. Rinse. Repeat. Sounds harmless enough. Except this is the Internet. The same Internet that routinely turns my favorite childhood cartoons into sex-crazed porn. It’s pretty easy to guess what path Chatroulette would take.

Here’s a simple math problem: Solve for X, when X = Anonymity + webcam + $0.00

There’s a flaw in the equation, though. I thought, for the sake of this post, I would try it out; see what Chatroulette has to offer. The answer–surprisingly, or not–is nothing. I clicked that NEXT button 100 times and this is what I came up with:

(43) men of various ages, who stared blankly at the screen without ever saying a word.
(29) cameras aimed directly at the naked crotch of a masturbating man.
(17) camera feeds that never connected for one reason or another.
(5) couples who wanted only to tell me a joke. (None of which were even remotely funny.)
(4) women who looked too young for me to do anything other than click the NEXT button as fast as possible.
(1) man dressed as Spider Man. (I can’t even make this up.)
And one mildly attractive British woman who had just gotten home from work. I spoke to her for over an hour. Most of that time was just me asking her to say random sentences in that delightful accent. I love British people.

Not once in my 100 clicks did I come across a woman who was willing to take her clothes off. Hell, only 9% of the time was there even a woman on the screen. Yet, despite the overwhelming odds stacked against them, I encountered roughly 72 men who were sitting there waiting for the chance to see a naked girl magically pop up on their computer screen. I suspect it never happened.

Now, I’m no math wizard, but I might be able to help these guys increase their booby-viewing percentages exponentially. Ready for the secret? IT’S CALLED PORN. Taking into account the rare, but occasional, nip-slip, if you’re on MySpace or Facebook, you probably have around a 7% chance of seeing something stroke-worthy. On Chatroulette, your chances drop considerably. But here at SCORELAND, those chances jump to an unparalleled 100%.

So, sure, you can cruise social networking sites for hours at a time tonight, but just remember that you’ve been warned. Because you can waste all the time you like meticulously searching those places, but when it comes right down to it, right here is where the boobs are at.

They say the best things in life are free, but that’s bullshit. When it comes to porn, you get what you pay for.