This is a man who knows how to do his homework. The girl he's studying is Alyssa Lynn.
We’ve all had them: lousy fucking lap dances. Lap dances that turn your cock into soft tissue. The chick grinds too hard (ouch!) or not at all (blue balls!). She pushes your hand away when you try to touch her tits or grab her ass. She’s completely disinterested in you. She’s just working, and you’re just another sucker. You’re halfway through the first dance, and you can’t wait for the song to end so you can get her off your lap.
Of course, we’ve all had great lap dances, too. Dances you didn’t want to end. Dancers who were so good, you tried as hard as possible to keep from popping in your pants so the dance could last longer. Lap dances that were better than sex.
Nobody wants a bad lap dance. We all want to have a good time and get off. But how can we be certain that the next time we tuck our hard-earned cash into a dancer’s garter, heaven awaits?
Fortunately, there are ways to assure the perfect lap dance. We know. The two writers of this story have been getting lap dances for a combined 60 years, and we want to share our knowledge. It’s “The Uncensored Guide to Lap Dancing.” No bullshit. We’ve divided this special report into three sections: “Do Your Homework” “Rules of the Room” and “Lap Dance Etiquette.”
Ignore one or more of these sections at your own peril. Read ’em all, digest ’em and you’re on your way to lap dance nirvana.
DO YOUR HOMEWORK!
Or, don’t lap the first dancer you see
Your quest for the perfect lap dance begins before you walk into the club. That’s because your quest for the perfect lap dance begins or ends with what club you pick for your evening’s entertainment.
Looking for a great lap dance? Do not go to clubs with lots of customers and fast-paced action. You want to go to a club where the girls have few choices in men and want to make money. These are the girls who will work for your cash. So, that new club down the street, the one with the fancy, neon signs, doormen and valet parkers out front? Stay away. The neighborhood club down the street? That’s where you want to be. New in town or not sure? You might want to check out The Ultimate Strip Club List (tuscl.com).
If possible, avoid walking into a club during the busiest hours of the day, like Friday and Saturday nights and after work gets out at five p.m. Walk into a strip bar three o’clock on a weekday afternoon and you’ll have dancers circling you like sharks.
But don’t let them take a bite out of you. Not yet! Because by the time your dancer of choice plops down into your lap and starts grinding her hips, it’s too late. Your lap dance fate has been sealed…even if you don’t know it yet.
Why? Well, face it. The only thing you know about her is what she looks like, and that’s not enough. You have no idea whether she’s a good lap dancer or a total dud. You have no idea whether you’re going to get bang for your buck or just a limp dick. You haven’t done your homework, and in lap dancing, as in any other worthwhile endeavor in life, you have to do your homework. Fortunately, this is one of the rare areas of life in which doing homework is fun.
So, you walk into the club, and you’ve barely reached the bar when a drop-dead gorgeous chick with huge tits, wearing just a tiny bra-and-G-string getup, walks up to you and asks you if you’d like a dance. Or she asks you if you’d like some company. Or you’re already sitting and she points to the empty stool next to you and says, “Mind if I sit here?”
Now, listen, both you and I know that it would be rude for you to say, “Yes. I do mind if you sit there.” The fact is, she can sit wherever the hell she wants. But what she means is, “Mind if I sit here so you can buy me a ridiculously overpriced drink”–drinks for the dancers almost always cost a lot more than drinks for the patrons–”and talk you into a lap dance?” That’s what she really means.
Because remember the first rule of lap dancers: They don’t give a shit about your problems or your personal life. They have no interest in sitting there and talking to you unless they think you’re a good investment.
This is followed by rule No. 2, which reads, “Dancers are very good at acting like they do give a shit about your problems and your personal life.” It’s what strippers are best at. It’s what they do for a living.
I’m not trying to burst your bubble or anything like that. I’m just trying to give you the facts. I’m trying to save you heartache, heartbreak and money.
So, the correct answer to “Mind if I sit here?” is, “I just got here so I’m just going to hang out and check it out for a while.” She’ll interpret that as, “Yes, I do mind if you sit here,” but she’ll appreciate that you said it in a polite way. She’ll also say something like, “Okay. I’ll come back and check on you later.”
Now, some of you might be thinking, “Asshole, what did you do? You sent away a gorgeous chick with big tits!”
Relax! Sit down at the bar. You can hook up with the gorgeous chick with big tits later, after you’ve done your homework.
She’s a super fox. Dolly Fox (January 2016 SCORE) is a reader’s wife who was inspired to try modeling herself. She was an immediate hit with SCORE guys.
It was Dolly’s dream to be on the cover of SCORE, and she got it.
“I’m a longtime fan of the SCORE Girls,” Dolly says. “I like all big-bust models. Minka, Amy Anderssen, Kayla Kleevage and Lisa Lipps are just a few of the girls I have been inspired by. I would love to meet many of them.”
J.H. writes “Scorecard,” “I have been a SCORE fan for many years, since the L.A. Bust days. Dolly Fox reminds me of past SCORE Girls like Morgan Leigh, Danielle Derek, Puma, Alexia Moore and, more recently, Sandra Star, Katie Thornton and Tigerr Benson. Exactly the kind of bodies that I jack to.”
You see a brunette in a low-cut pink top and tight skirt teetering around in high heels. She looks nervous and lost and holds a map in her hand. What would you do?
If you’re Steve, you offer her your coat and offer to fix a nice cuppa tea at your place. As we all know, tea is an aphrodisiac to an English girl.
Like Czech babe Krystal Swift, Harmony Reigns is not big on foreplay and neck kissing. She’d rather cut to the chase and give head, have her pussy eaten and ride the skin bus to cumsville. Harmony is from London, but the way she deep throats a guy, I thought she was from the town of Cockermouth in Cumbria.
“If you classify porn as a sport, then I’m a sports fanatic,” Harmony says. “I just want to get straight to it.” And that’s what she and Steve do in Harmony’s second ultra-horny XXX scene at SCORELAND.
One of the three SCORE DVDs featuring Holly Brooks.
Reno, Nevada’s Holly Brooks started modeling in 2009 and decided to go all-in in 2012 after several years of glamour modeling and entering hot chick contests, doing no pussy spreading, no toying or finger-banging and no sex. Then Holly went a full 180°.
Now she’s a super porn star.
Holly has special talents. She’s double-jointed. She loves dancing, stripping and lap grinding. She knows acupressure and deep tissue massages. She can deep-tissue massage your balls. Holly can deep-throat with the best of them.
Holly said she had sex while watching her hardcore SCORE videos. What were her thoughts?
“I thought that the next time I am back at SCORE, I want to be even hotter and nastier, dirtier and badder,” she said.
“Even when I finger my ass, I’m still thinking about sucking hard cocks until they explode in my face and drip down all over my girls. I love getting guys off and I love seeing guys bust their nuts. I love anal sex, and when I give a guy a blow job, I usually swallow his cum.”
Holly loves girls, too, and got it on with Sheridan Love.
“It excites me to see a guy take his cock out of his pants for me. I love it when a guy talks dirty to me and my twins.”
An anal scene is coming to SCORELAND soon.
Holly flies her freak flag and we're happy to help her carry it.
Red Vixen returns for her second hardcore scene, this time with a couple of melting ice cubes that get sexy Red’s big boobs dripping wet. As a Bonus extra, there’s a second scene of Red in a warehouse getting her big tits out.
This red-haired wife of a reader has a sexuality that burns hot. With her husband’s encouragement, Red became a model, and finally, after much trying on his part, a SCORE Girl (April ’15 SCORE).
“I always just shrugged it off,” Red said. “It wasn’t until we moved to California that he contacted you again, and that’s when he said, ‘Let’s take those test pictures they want,’ so I gave in and did it, and I got approved.”
There’s something about a SCORE WILF. Red Vixen, Barbie Kelley, Shelby Gibson, Kelly Christiansen, Jayden Prescott and others are a big-boobed sorority and a very special one. More are wanted, and BeASCOREModel.com is the place to visit to get started.
To recap, Red is a married mom. She started modeling for her husband. He’s a longtime reader. They’ve been married for 18 years, together for 22.
“He was reading your magazines when I was dating him!” Red said. “I was so pissed off. I thought it was insulting. I did. I’d find these magazines, and then he was starting to do Internet stuff, and I thought, ‘This guy is jerking off to all these chicks but he isn’t jerking off to me.’ It was an insecure thing. ‘Jerk off to me. Don’t jerk off to other bitches.’ I didn’t even know what SCORE was.”
Claudia does the hula hump on Rocky's coconut tree.
Today at SCORELAND, Claudia Kealoha meets Rocky for the second time. Last year, he and the Champ tag-teamed the slim-and-stacked dancer, model and boxer.
Claudia is one of the rare SCORE Girls who says the word “cunt” in the heat of lust. After seeing one of her earlier scenes, Lisa Lipps said, “That Claudia, what a dirty mouth.”
I talked to Claudia about this rematch and other things.
SCORE: You were in a threesome with Rocky and Johnny Champ and now you’re in this scene with Rocky. Is it any different when you’re with a porn guy you’ve done a scene with?
Claudia: I did enjoy being with two guys. I’ll be honest, Johnny is way too big for my size pussy. But we did a lot of foreplay off-camera to pull that scene off. Rocky is big but very doable and yummy.
SCORE: Has dancing in a club and modeling increased your sexual appetite or would it be the same without that environment?
Claudia: It has increased my knowledge of how to please a man. My sex drive was always high. Now I am a lot more confident in bed and willing to try almost anything. Except anal.
SCORE: Do guys in clubs recognize you from SCORE? What’s their reaction if they do?
Claudia: Yes! They can’t believe it’s actually me. They check their phones and look at my links.
SCORE: Has a guy ever asked you to help him become a porn star?
Claudia: Yes. They do not realize it is not easy. They also do not realize they have to be ready and stay ready. Hold an erection between cuts while you change, get your makeup fixed, etc. Most companies do not have fluffers so they have to stay hard. I think a lot of guys have a fantasy of what it would be which is not exactly what it is for the male talent. Although I am sure once you master the work, it is nice!
SCORE: Do you get recognized in restaurants, the gym or shopping?
Claudia: The gyms mostly. Guys giggle and as I leave, some tell me, “I love your work.”
SCORE: Thanks for another hot scene.
Claudia: Mahalo nui loa. It’s always a pleasure being at SCORE. Aloha!
Claudia’s next appearance in SCORE magazine is in the August 2015 edition.