The Bucking Bronco: It’s a hard cock life for us…
For some lucky guy, fucking Alexis Silver is just another day at the office.
At around 10 o’clock last night, I still had no clue what to write about, so I took to Twitter to get some ideas from my 150 or so followers. (Yes, I realize exactly how lame that sounds. Feel free to mock me accordingly.) They posed some interesting questions about porn, but one, in particular, caught my attention:
“Would you ever consider doing it?”
Believe it or not, in the three years that I’ve worked here and 14 years that I’ve been watching porn, I had never once thought about this question. So, would I?
I’d like to think that if I ever got the chance, I’d be the world’s best porn stud. I’d be that guy that all of the models were clamoring to work with. You’d look at my IMDB page and it would be like 700 porn movies long. And half of them would be well-known movies. Regular people would know me by name, and they’d stop me on the streets for autographs. I’d be that male porn star who transcends the business and winds up getting a lead role in the next Tarantino flick.
Of course, that was just my initial thought process. Admittedly, it has some flaws. After giving it some real thought, the truth is that I would never want to be in porn. Ever. And that’s probably best for all of us here today.
For starters, I don’t have the body for it. Most porn stars are ripped and/or hung like horses. I’m neither. I’m actually fairly average, and in porn, fairly average just doesn’t sell DVDs.
I’m also no good under pressure. Put me in a room with a girl and a bed and I’m fine. Add unbelievably bright lights, a cameraman getting all up in my business, and a director barking instructions and you might as well just replace me with a limp strand of spaghetti because there’s no way in hell I’m going to be able to perform under those conditions. I have a hard enough time concentrating when my cat is watching me.
But, assuming I could block all of that out, I would still lack the ability to last for the duration of a movie. It amazes me that those guys can go on for what seems like hours. I’m good for about 15 minutes, tops. And that’s with an average-looking girl. I couldn’t even imagine how quickly I’d be done if the girl looked anything like Alexis Silver. I’d maybe be able to pull off a 30-second commercial, but that’s about it.
The biggest problem I’d have, though, is this: I don’t know that I’d ever want people I know to see me naked. Some folks are perfectly comfortable with that sort of thing. I’m not. I’m that guy in the locker room, showering in his underwear, like a seven-year-old.
Call me a bitch if you want, but being a porn stud is a lot harder than it looks (pun intended), and I’m just not up to the task. What about you guys, though? Be honest. If we offered you the chance, would you jump on it? Or would you keep your day job?