Tag Archive: gentlemen’s clubs

The Uncensored Guide to Lap Dancing: Part Five & Conclusion

February 24, 2016 by Elliot James

Tip the dancers on stage, even if you’re not sitting at the stage.

Click here for Part Four

LAP DANCE ETIQUETTE

Or, that dance doesn’t stink. You do!

You’re not going on a date when you enter a strip club and look for a lap dance, but you’re still going to be associating with women. Just because you have what they want (money) doesn’t mean you can be a disgusting pig. So, before you leave for the club:

1. Take a shower or make sure you smell good. You want these girls getting as close to you as possible, and they’re not going to want to if you smell like a garbage dump.

2. Think twice before putting on cologne. What if she doesn’t like what you’re wearing? What if it reminds her of her ex-deadbeat boyfriend (as opposed to her current deadbeat boyfriend)? Remember, you’re not trying to build a long-lasting relationship with her. You’re trying to get her to grind your cock in a way that’ll get you off.

3. Don’t wear rough pants. If you wear denim jeans, make sure they’re soft and pre-washed. Soft khakis are good. Sweatpants are fine, too, if the club allows them. Loose and soft is the way to go. If you have the balls, wear baggy shorts with no underwear. When you get to the club, take your keys and bulky items out of your front pockets.

4. If you haven’t shaved for a few days, shave. If you scrape a dancer’s boobs with your metrosexual stubble, her experience will be less than pleasant, and that will affect your experience. This rule does not apply if you have a full, soft beard.

Then, when you get to the club:

1. Don’t get drunk off your ass. First, you want to exercise some money management. One time, a friend and I went to a ballgame in Montreal. He drank a beer an inning. Then we went to one of Montreal’s notorious strip joints, at which he promptly fell in love with a dancer, convinced himself that she liked him and proceeded to empty his pockets. Of course, when he ran out of money, her love affair with him was over. A drunk guy in a strip club is what’s known as a mark. Nobody wants to be a mark.

2. Don’t be loud and obnoxious. Very few dancers like loud, obnoxious guys (they remind them of their boyfriends).

3. Tip the dancers on stage, even if you’re not sitting at the stage. You’ll score points with all the dancers, who’ll be more eager to score with you.

4. Don’t tip for a single lap dance. If you do, you will lock yourself in with that dancer. If you buy three or four dances from a girl, then you can throw in a tip after the final dance. Make her work for her money.

5. If you can swing it, tip the bouncer when you walk in. He’ll appreciate it and leave you alone (unless you’re violating the “Rules of the Room”).

6. If you intend to shoot a load during the dance, go to the men’s room while you’re hard or semi-hard and put on a condom. Otherwise, you’ll stain your shorts and pants and make a mess.

7. Dancers know they have hot bodies or they wouldn’t have been hired by the club, but they still need verbal reinforcement. Compliment her on her hair and body while she’s lapping you (without sounding like a porno perv).

8. Between  dances with the same girl, take a break for a chat (the length of one song) and offer to give her a foot massage. Dancers love foot massages (they’re standing on high heels for eight hours at a time), and when she starts her next dance, she’ll probably be more generous with her body.

9. Be nice to her. Use your hands to make love to her body. Just because she’s a stripper doesn’t mean she doesn’t like to feel good. When she’s sitting on your lap with her back to you, breathe lightly on the nape of her neck or into her ear. These are powerful erogenous zones for a woman, and even the toughest dancer will find herself getting turned on.

10. Keep the grinding rhythmic and strong when she is sitting on your lap. Match her motion, as if you’re dancing with her.

There are a few more touchy subjects we should deal with, too.

V.I.P. Rooms: Once she’s sitting on your lap, there’s a good chance she’ll try to lure you into the V.I.P. room. V.I.P. rooms tend to be very pricey, and what you’ll receive in the room varies from club to club and state to state (in some cases, you’ll get nothing more than a more-private experience and a bottle of overpriced champagne; in other cases, and for considerably more money, you’ll get a hand job, maybe a blow job, maybe full service). If you don’t want to go into the V.I.P. room, just say to her, nicely, “No thanks. I’m fine out here.” If she keeps pushing you, she’s a money-hungry whore and it might be time for you to cum and run. Or just run.

The Lap Dance Room Blow Job: Yes, there are clubs (I’ve been in them) where blow jobs or hand jobs, sometimes even full, sit-on-your-cock sex, are offered in the Lap Dance Room. I’ve been in clubs in which the girl pulled my cock out and went down to suck without even asking. Now, this might be tough to do in this situation, but it’s important: Insist on a condom. Because your cock won’t be the first cock she’s sucked in the Lap Dance Room. And it won’t be the last. Can you be positive that the last unsheathed cock she sucked was disease-free? No, you can’t!

Got all that? Now go out and get your dance!

Editors: Dave Rosenbaum & Elliot James

The Uncensored Guide to Lap Dancing: Part Four

February 22, 2016 by Elliot James

Today we address the "Rules of the Room."

Click here for Part 3

RULES OF THE ROOM

Or, how to avoid getting bounced.

I’ve had my hand pushed away by a lap dancer. But never twice by the same lap dancer. At least not on the same part of her body.

I’ve locked my mouth around a lap dancer’s tit and heard, “Lick. Don’t suck.” And she only had to tell me once.

I’ve had hundreds of lap dances, some good, some bad, some memorable, and by now, I think I know the Rules of the Room.

You’re not going to see the Rules of the Lap Dance Room posted anywhere. You just have to know them.

1. No means no. Listen to what she says! You do not want to piss off your lap dancer. She’s your friend. You want her to make you happy. You want her to want to make you happy. So when she tells you not to bite or suck her nipple, don’t bite it. If you’re kneading her tits like a pile of dough and she says, “Soft, not hard,” then soft, not hard, it is.

2. Do not try to finger her pussy unless she invites you to do it. Don’t worry. She’ll let you know if it’s okay. You’ll be playing with her hips. Maybe your hand will wander over her G-string. And she’ll direct your hand to her pussy. If she does, rub it. If she moans, finger it. The same rule applies to her ass, although I’ve been with only a handful of dancers who let me finger their assholes. Which brings me to the next rule…

3. If she’s letting you finger her, don’t go from her pussy to her ass and back again. That’s an hygienic no-no.

4. Keep your cock in your pants unless she invites you to take your cock out of your pants, which she probably won’t. Violating this rule could get you thrown out of the club if there’s a bouncer nearby.

5. Don’t try to kiss her on the lips. Kiss her ears (but don’t stick your tongue in them), kiss her shoulders, kiss her neck, but don’t try to kiss her on the lips, don’t try to French her and don’t slobber! Besides, for reasons I’m not going to go into here but should be obvious, you don’t want to French her.

6. Remember, a good dancer not only wants to make you happy this time, she wants to keep you as a customer. She’ll let you know what you can do, either by directing your hands or whispering in your ear. On the other hand…

7. A good, professional dancer never gives it all away during the first song. Chances are–and this only goes for a good dancer–the more you invest, the more comfortable she’ll get with you and the more risqué she’ll become. The more certain she’ll be that you’re not a cop. Strippers are like real-life girls in that way. The more time you spend with them, the nicer they are to you. Unless you’re an asshole.

8. Don’t be afraid to make special requests. No, I’m not telling you to say to her, “Blow me.” What I’m saying is, if she’s facing you and you want to see her ass, just say to her, “Let me see your ass.” Say it politely, not gruffly. If she has her ass in your face and you want to see her tits, ask her to turn around. Don’t say, “Turn around, bitch.” Say, “Let me see those beautiful tits again.”

Finally, make sure your cock is facing the right way (whatever’s comfortable for you; for me, it’s up and leaning left). Don’t be afraid to say to her, “Can you give me a second to adjust myself?” She’s been through this routine before. And be discreet when the bouncer or bartender are nearby or in the room. In other words, when the bouncer walks by isn’t the time to shove a finger up her tight little ass.

Know the rules of the club. Know the girl’s rules. If you really like a dancer, build a relationship with her. No, I’m not telling you to take her home to meet the parents. With familiarity comes better, hotter dances.

To be continued.

Patty Michova plays on the pole in her first XXX SCORE video

August 16, 2013 by Elliot James

A nice, quiet afternoon at his favorite strip club watering hole was what this man wanted. The place was empty except for a new girl he’d never seen before. She said her name was Patty Michova and she had just started dancing.

Her pole dance practice has only just begun.

Patty’s also patriotic. Check out her shoes.

See how Patty poles at SCORELAND.

Watch Patty work the pole.