Tag Archive: lap dances

The Uncensored Guide to Lap Dancing: Part One

February 15, 2016 by Elliot James
Getting the perfect lap dance takes some preparation. Here are the tools to achieve it.

This is a man who knows how to do his homework. The girl he's studying is Alyssa Lynn.

We’ve all had them: lousy fucking lap dances. Lap dances that turn your cock into soft tissue. The chick grinds too hard (ouch!) or not at all (blue balls!). She pushes your hand away when you try to touch her tits or grab her ass. She’s completely disinterested in you. She’s just working, and you’re just another sucker. You’re halfway through the first dance, and you can’t wait for the song to end so you can get her off your lap.

Of course, we’ve all had great lap dances, too. Dances you didn’t want to end. Dancers who were so good, you tried as hard as possible to keep from popping in your pants so the dance could last longer. Lap dances that were better than sex.

Nobody wants a bad lap dance. We all want to have a good time and get off. But how can we be certain that the next time we tuck our hard-earned cash into a dancer’s garter, heaven awaits?

Fortunately, there are ways to assure the perfect lap dance. We know. The two writers of this story have been getting lap dances for a combined 60 years, and we want to share our knowledge. It’s “The Uncensored Guide to Lap Dancing.” No bullshit. We’ve divided this special report into three sections: “Do Your Homework” “Rules of the Room” and “Lap Dance Etiquette.”

Ignore one or more of these sections at your own peril. Read ’em all, digest ’em and you’re on your way to lap dance nirvana.

DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

Or, don’t lap the first dancer you see

Your quest for the perfect lap dance begins before you walk into the club. That’s because your quest for the perfect lap dance begins or ends with what club you pick for your evening’s entertainment.

Looking for a great lap dance? Do not go to clubs with lots of customers and fast-paced action. You want to go to a club where the girls have few choices in men and want to make money. These are the girls who will work for your cash. So, that new club down the street, the one with the fancy, neon signs, doormen and valet parkers out front? Stay away. The neighborhood club down the street? That’s where you want to be. New in town or not sure? You might want to check out The Ultimate Strip Club List (tuscl.com).

If possible, avoid walking into a club during the busiest hours of the day, like Friday and Saturday nights and after work gets out at five p.m. Walk into a strip bar three o’clock on a weekday afternoon and you’ll have dancers circling you like sharks.

But don’t let them take a bite out of you. Not yet! Because by the time your dancer of choice plops down into your lap and starts grinding her hips, it’s too late. Your lap dance fate has been sealed…even if you don’t know it yet.

Why? Well, face it. The only thing you know about her is what she looks like, and that’s not enough. You have no idea whether  she’s a good lap dancer or a total dud. You have no idea whether you’re going to get bang for your buck or just a limp dick. You haven’t done your homework, and in lap dancing, as in any other worthwhile  endeavor in life, you have to do your homework. Fortunately, this is one of the rare areas of life in which doing homework is fun.

So, you walk into the club, and you’ve barely reached the bar when a drop-dead gorgeous chick with huge tits, wearing just a tiny bra-and-G-string getup, walks up to you and asks you if you’d like a dance. Or she asks you if you’d like some company. Or you’re already sitting and she points to the empty stool next to you and says, “Mind if I sit here?”

Now, listen, both you and I know that it would be rude for you to say, “Yes. I do mind if you sit there.” The fact is, she can sit wherever the hell she wants.  But what she means is, “Mind if I sit here so you can buy me a ridiculously overpriced drink”–drinks for the dancers almost always cost a lot more than drinks for the patrons–”and talk you into a lap dance?” That’s what she really means.

Because remember the first rule of lap dancers: They don’t give a shit about your problems or your personal life. They have no interest in sitting there and talking to you unless they think you’re a good investment.

This is followed by rule No. 2, which reads, “Dancers are very good at acting like they do give a shit about your problems and your personal life.” It’s what strippers are best at. It’s what they do for a living.

I’m not trying to burst your bubble or anything like that. I’m just trying to give you the facts. I’m trying to save you heartache, heartbreak and money.

So, the correct answer  to “Mind if I sit here?” is, “I just got here so I’m just going to hang out and check it out for a while.” She’ll interpret that as, “Yes, I do mind if you sit here,” but she’ll appreciate that you said it in a polite way. She’ll also say something like, “Okay. I’ll come back and check on you later.”

Now, some of you might be thinking, “Asshole, what did you do? You sent away a gorgeous chick with big tits!”

Relax! Sit down at the bar. You can hook up with the gorgeous chick with big tits later, after you’ve done your homework.

To be continued.

Kamille Amora goes for a dirty ride for the first time

June 22, 2014 by Elliot James

Now at XLGirls.com, Kamille Amora’s first XXX video with porn cock.

Kamille is unbelievable. Her 36I-cups are works of art by Mother Nature. Yes, 36I.

Imagine getting just a lap dance from this Seattle stripper. There could be no more worthwhile goal than getting her tits shoved in your face, at the very least. I was in Seattle last year and didn’t see any dancers with natural boobs even close to her dimensions.

You don’t need to play Pharrell’s “Happy” song to get happy. Just watch this great discovery ride the pole at XLGirls.com. She brings pure happiness.

His head! It's gone! But Kamille wants the part below the belt anyway.

Bouncing boobs: Daylene Rio

March 8, 2014 by Elliot James

We don’t really see them that often in Daylene Rio videos. I’m talking about tit tricks that Daylene can do. Daylene’s talked about her lap dances at the Spearmint Rhino club in City of Industry, California, but she didn’t mention anything about what she does with her tits during a dance. I don’t need to imagine because here’s a tit trick clip Daylene made. I think I’ve watched this one clip a dozen times. Daylene really has terrific chest control. The next time she’s back in the studio, we need to get her tit tricks into a regular scene, like a dirty lap-dancing scene that leads into full-sex.

Whatever happened to…Rachel Rocketts?

July 28, 2013 by Elliot James

Rachel Rocketts in her SCORE days, 1996.

The five-time SCORE magazine and Boob Cruise ’98 model and exotic dancer from Dearborn, Michigan (October ’95; October ’96 with Candy Cantaloupes; November ’98 and other editions) has been totally off the radar for over a decade. The last time I talked to Miss Rocketts was in 1999. All I knew was that she was occasionally dancing at a club called La Chambre in Detroit, Michigan,

Then, last week, I got an email from a friend and longtime SCORE reader.

Rachel on Green Cay Island, Boob Cruise '98.

“Hey, Elliot. Interesting thing recently. I spent a weekend in Detroit and, lo and behold, across the street from my hotel was a strip club. I naturally had to stop in and check it out. While I was there, I got dances from Rachel Rocketts, of all people. She was a house dancer, not an advertised feature. She told me she had been in SCORE and done the Boob Cruise. It was a place called Bouzouki in downtown Detroit a few blocks from Ford Field and Comerica Park.

“I walked in and she immediately caught my eye. I asked her for dances and she introduced herself as Rachel Rocketts, which sounded familiar but I wasn’t sure. I named off several big-boob entertainers I’ve met and she knew several of them. She did great dances. Boobs looked pretty much the same. She had blonde highlights. Very pretty woman. If I would have been with her much longer, I probably would have cum in my pants. She said she worked there on weekends of  Tigers games. If I get a chance, I’ll go back to Detroit to see Rachel.”

So things aren’t that bad in Detroit, after all, despite the bankruptcy.

And now we know the answer to the title of this Blog.

Rachel on deck during Boob Cruise '98.