Tag Archive: The Uncensored Guide to Lap Dancing
February 22, 2016 by Elliot James
Today we address the "Rules of the Room."
Click here for Part 3
RULES OF THE ROOM
Or, how to avoid getting bounced.
I’ve had my hand pushed away by a lap dancer. But never twice by the same lap dancer. At least not on the same part of her body.
I’ve locked my mouth around a lap dancer’s tit and heard, “Lick. Don’t suck.” And she only had to tell me once.
I’ve had hundreds of lap dances, some good, some bad, some memorable, and by now, I think I know the Rules of the Room.
You’re not going to see the Rules of the Lap Dance Room posted anywhere. You just have to know them.
1. No means no. Listen to what she says! You do not want to piss off your lap dancer. She’s your friend. You want her to make you happy. You want her to want to make you happy. So when she tells you not to bite or suck her nipple, don’t bite it. If you’re kneading her tits like a pile of dough and she says, “Soft, not hard,” then soft, not hard, it is.
2. Do not try to finger her pussy unless she invites you to do it. Don’t worry. She’ll let you know if it’s okay. You’ll be playing with her hips. Maybe your hand will wander over her G-string. And she’ll direct your hand to her pussy. If she does, rub it. If she moans, finger it. The same rule applies to her ass, although I’ve been with only a handful of dancers who let me finger their assholes. Which brings me to the next rule…
3. If she’s letting you finger her, don’t go from her pussy to her ass and back again. That’s an hygienic no-no.
4. Keep your cock in your pants unless she invites you to take your cock out of your pants, which she probably won’t. Violating this rule could get you thrown out of the club if there’s a bouncer nearby.
5. Don’t try to kiss her on the lips. Kiss her ears (but don’t stick your tongue in them), kiss her shoulders, kiss her neck, but don’t try to kiss her on the lips, don’t try to French her and don’t slobber! Besides, for reasons I’m not going to go into here but should be obvious, you don’t want to French her.
6. Remember, a good dancer not only wants to make you happy this time, she wants to keep you as a customer. She’ll let you know what you can do, either by directing your hands or whispering in your ear. On the other hand…
7. A good, professional dancer never gives it all away during the first song. Chances are–and this only goes for a good dancer–the more you invest, the more comfortable she’ll get with you and the more risqué she’ll become. The more certain she’ll be that you’re not a cop. Strippers are like real-life girls in that way. The more time you spend with them, the nicer they are to you. Unless you’re an asshole.
8. Don’t be afraid to make special requests. No, I’m not telling you to say to her, “Blow me.” What I’m saying is, if she’s facing you and you want to see her ass, just say to her, “Let me see your ass.” Say it politely, not gruffly. If she has her ass in your face and you want to see her tits, ask her to turn around. Don’t say, “Turn around, bitch.” Say, “Let me see those beautiful tits again.”
Finally, make sure your cock is facing the right way (whatever’s comfortable for you; for me, it’s up and leaning left). Don’t be afraid to say to her, “Can you give me a second to adjust myself?” She’s been through this routine before. And be discreet when the bouncer or bartender are nearby or in the room. In other words, when the bouncer walks by isn’t the time to shove a finger up her tight little ass.
Know the rules of the club. Know the girl’s rules. If you really like a dancer, build a relationship with her. No, I’m not telling you to take her home to meet the parents. With familiarity comes better, hotter dances.
To be continued.
February 16, 2016 by Elliot James
Has this happened to you at your local club?
(Click here for Part One)
For now, make sure you have a good view of the stage or stages. Order a drink. Take a good look around. Figure out where the good lap dance action is taking place. Find out the base price for a lap dance in the club (go ahead, ask the bartender. The going price is usually $20 a song in the U.S., £10 or £20 in the UK, although it’s lower in dives, higher in fancy schmancy clubs. Some clubs run hourly specials, like three for 50 or two for 25).You’ll be approached by more dancers who’ll ask either, “Would you like some company?” or “Would you like a dance?” to which your question is still, “Not right now, thanks.” If you have no interest in her at all, say so, but politely. A dancer I knew once said, “I have more respect for a man who has the guts to say ‘No thanks’ or ‘You’re not my type’ instead of the ‘Come back later’ bullshit.”
Of course, you’re not going to be at the bar for long. You’re going to take a seat as close to the stage as possible. If there are seats encircling the stage–and there almost always are–then grab one.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Sit at the stage? I’m gonna be hit up for cash every other minute.
Yeah, you are. But sitting at the stage is a good investment in your immediate lap dance future.
The stage is where it all happens. The stage is where you get to find out how down and dirty a girl really is. Is this chick spreading her legs and showing her pussy during stage shows while the other girls are just taking their panties off and showing bush? If she is, you not only know she’s more daring and dirtier than the other girls. You know she’s willing to do more to earn her money. And that’s an important thing to know when you’re scouting out a lap dancer to spend some time with.
Almost infallible rule: The more explicit a dancer gets onstage, the better she is as a lap dancer. Chicks who are afraid to get down on the stage and spread their pussies and asses (when the club allows it) are not going to go the extra mile in the lap dance room. They’re not going to take it as a point of personal pride to make you cum in your pants by grinding against your cock.
So, to summarize: In a bottomless club, the girls who are showing pussy and spreading their asses will most likely give the best lap dances. In a topless-only club, the girls who are constantly pushing the rules by either pulling aside their G-strings for a sneak peek or pulling their G-strings up their pussies are going to give the best lap dances. In a club where pasties are required, the girls who are most creative with pasty use, the girls who use clear-plastic pasties or are constantly breaking the pasties rule, are the ones not to get the dances from. Shy on stage, shy in the lap dance room. Bet on it.
The stage is also the place where promises are made, where some girls go for the hard sell. For example, the busty dancer is on her knees and leans over to accept your contribution between her tits. She then takes the opportunity to lean in further and whisper into your ear, “Let’s do a dance later. I wanna make you cum in your pants.” It is very unlikely that this girl won’t follow through on her promise. She wants repeat business, not a one-timer.
Of course, sitting at the stage also gives you the opportunity to evaluate other important aspects of the dancer:
Does she look as good up close as she did at a distance?
How’s her breath?
How does she smell?
Is she wearing perfume? This is an important consideration for everyone because nobody wants to smell bad perfume during a lap dance and for married/attached men because you don’t want to go home smelling like another woman (unless, of course, your significant other approves of your lap dance excursions). Another consideration: Is she wearing sparkles? Some strippers think they’re pretty, but those things will rub off on you during your lap dance, and they won’t come off easily. How are you going to explain sparkles in your hair to your wife/girlfriend/significant other?
Whatever it is about this dancer, find out now or risk sitting through the longest lap dance of your life. There used to be a lap dance palace in New York City called The Harmony. The place existed in many incarnations, and in one of them, there were no stage shows, just lap dances, so the whole experience was hit or miss. Well, one time, a girl who I recognized as a SCORE/Voluptuous model (no, I’m not going to name her) was there. Pretty. Exotic. Big, floppy tits. And terrible body odor. The entire lap dance was ruined by her smell, and I couldn’t wait for her to get off of me. The thing is, from a distance, I wanted nothing more than to suck on and play with her tits. But once she got on top of my cock, I couldn’t wait for her to leave.
To be continued.
February 15, 2016 by Elliot James
This is a man who knows how to do his homework. The girl he's studying is Alyssa Lynn.
We’ve all had them: lousy fucking lap dances. Lap dances that turn your cock into soft tissue. The chick grinds too hard (ouch!) or not at all (blue balls!). She pushes your hand away when you try to touch her tits or grab her ass. She’s completely disinterested in you. She’s just working, and you’re just another sucker. You’re halfway through the first dance, and you can’t wait for the song to end so you can get her off your lap.
Of course, we’ve all had great lap dances, too. Dances you didn’t want to end. Dancers who were so good, you tried as hard as possible to keep from popping in your pants so the dance could last longer. Lap dances that were better than sex.
Nobody wants a bad lap dance. We all want to have a good time and get off. But how can we be certain that the next time we tuck our hard-earned cash into a dancer’s garter, heaven awaits?
Fortunately, there are ways to assure the perfect lap dance. We know. The two writers of this story have been getting lap dances for a combined 60 years, and we want to share our knowledge. It’s “The Uncensored Guide to Lap Dancing.” No bullshit. We’ve divided this special report into three sections: “Do Your Homework” “Rules of the Room” and “Lap Dance Etiquette.”
Ignore one or more of these sections at your own peril. Read ’em all, digest ’em and you’re on your way to lap dance nirvana.
DO YOUR HOMEWORK!
Or, don’t lap the first dancer you see
Your quest for the perfect lap dance begins before you walk into the club. That’s because your quest for the perfect lap dance begins or ends with what club you pick for your evening’s entertainment.
Looking for a great lap dance? Do not go to clubs with lots of customers and fast-paced action. You want to go to a club where the girls have few choices in men and want to make money. These are the girls who will work for your cash. So, that new club down the street, the one with the fancy, neon signs, doormen and valet parkers out front? Stay away. The neighborhood club down the street? That’s where you want to be. New in town or not sure? You might want to check out The Ultimate Strip Club List (tuscl.com).
If possible, avoid walking into a club during the busiest hours of the day, like Friday and Saturday nights and after work gets out at five p.m. Walk into a strip bar three o’clock on a weekday afternoon and you’ll have dancers circling you like sharks.
But don’t let them take a bite out of you. Not yet! Because by the time your dancer of choice plops down into your lap and starts grinding her hips, it’s too late. Your lap dance fate has been sealed…even if you don’t know it yet.
Why? Well, face it. The only thing you know about her is what she looks like, and that’s not enough. You have no idea whether she’s a good lap dancer or a total dud. You have no idea whether you’re going to get bang for your buck or just a limp dick. You haven’t done your homework, and in lap dancing, as in any other worthwhile endeavor in life, you have to do your homework. Fortunately, this is one of the rare areas of life in which doing homework is fun.
So, you walk into the club, and you’ve barely reached the bar when a drop-dead gorgeous chick with huge tits, wearing just a tiny bra-and-G-string getup, walks up to you and asks you if you’d like a dance. Or she asks you if you’d like some company. Or you’re already sitting and she points to the empty stool next to you and says, “Mind if I sit here?”
Now, listen, both you and I know that it would be rude for you to say, “Yes. I do mind if you sit there.” The fact is, she can sit wherever the hell she wants. But what she means is, “Mind if I sit here so you can buy me a ridiculously overpriced drink”–drinks for the dancers almost always cost a lot more than drinks for the patrons–”and talk you into a lap dance?” That’s what she really means.
Because remember the first rule of lap dancers: They don’t give a shit about your problems or your personal life. They have no interest in sitting there and talking to you unless they think you’re a good investment.
This is followed by rule No. 2, which reads, “Dancers are very good at acting like they do give a shit about your problems and your personal life.” It’s what strippers are best at. It’s what they do for a living.
I’m not trying to burst your bubble or anything like that. I’m just trying to give you the facts. I’m trying to save you heartache, heartbreak and money.
So, the correct answer to “Mind if I sit here?” is, “I just got here so I’m just going to hang out and check it out for a while.” She’ll interpret that as, “Yes, I do mind if you sit here,” but she’ll appreciate that you said it in a polite way. She’ll also say something like, “Okay. I’ll come back and check on you later.”
Now, some of you might be thinking, “Asshole, what did you do? You sent away a gorgeous chick with big tits!”
Relax! Sit down at the bar. You can hook up with the gorgeous chick with big tits later, after you’ve done your homework.
To be continued.
