The Bucking Bronco: Location, location, location…
Look up. See that picture of Faith up there? Never let it be said that I don’t take constructive criticism. Now that that’s out of the way, I do have a couple of things that I should probably clear up.
First off, The Bucking Bronco isn’t my name. It was strictly the name of the column. Unfortunately, there was some confusion between Dave and I, and the next thing you know, I’m the douchebag known as The Bucking Bronco. Believe me, as awesome as that name might sound, (heavy sarcasm implied), I think I’m just gonna go ahead and stick with Adam. What you’re reading, however, is… The Bucking Bronco.
Secondly, despite what a few of you may think, I am not, in fact, the janitor at SCORELAND. I’m actually below him; something like a janitorial assistant. It pays well, and I get to carry the bucket.
Now let’s get down to business. This column is sort of an open forum. You can either read it and be on your merry way or join in the discussion and make this a more interactive experience. Don’t hold back, either. Anything goes in here. Just think of it as a night out at the bar with the boys. And ladies, you are most certainly welcome–and openly encouraged–to join in the conversation. I don’t think you’ll hear any complaints from the guys.
So if you’d like to join the fun, follow along. Otherwise, feel free to just sit here and stare at that picture for a while. Nobody will judge you for it.
Welcome to The Bucking Bronco…
Whether you’re married, have a live-in girlfriend or still stay at home with the parents, odds are you likely run into the exact same problem as the rest of us: where the hell can I jack it? In a perfect world, In a perfect world, we would have the perfect solution. Unfortunately, this Utopian concept isn’t as widespread as one might hope, so we just have to sneak off and take care of it ourselves every once in a while. Nothing wrong with a little jerk before work.
Today, we’ll try to figure out some of the best and worst places to bust out your light saber when you’re trying to play a little Hand Solo. All locations will be rated on a cup size of A to DD.
The Computer Room [Grade: A-cup]
I know there’s a computer with access to the best of what SCORELAND has to offer, but is this really the ideal way to go about your business? Have you ever tried to do this with other people in the house? It’s the least enjoyable jack you’ll ever have. Every time your chair makes the slightest noise, you minimize the porn window, so only a sports site is showing.
Have you even imagined what that would look like to the person walking in? There isn’t enough time to minimize the window AND stuff everything back in your pants, so you close the most obvious one first (the porn) and then do your best to put the biscuit back in the basket. Meanwhile, they’re watching you tug at your zipper while there’s a giant picture of Derek Jeter across your computer screen. Good luck explaining that one to the wife. Luckily, you won’t have to. She knows that your obsession with marginally talented shortstops isn’t what had you with your pants around your ankles.
Also, how do you handle clean up? Tissues? Towel? Tube sock? No thank you. You’re better off taking your laptop and heading to the next location…
The Bathroom [Grade: C-cup]
The bathroom is the only room in the house where you can lock the door, hang out for 45 minutes and nobody will ever question it. In their minds, you probably just ate at the Dirty Sanchez Taco Emporium for lunch, so not only do they not want to know, but you’re also in no danger of anyone demanding to come in once you’re situated. Need to brush your teeth, honey? “Uh, no thanks. I, uh… I’ll just go to work with the smell of onion bagel on my breath. I’m good.”
The other good thing about the bathroom is that there’s minimal cleanup. You can blast one right into the toilet, flush, wash your hands and then you’re free to go. No messy tissues or sticky towels that need to be shamefully hidden at the bottom of the laundry hamper. Just a quick flush and not even the cast of CSI will be able to figure out what you were up to.
The only thing I hate about the bathroom is that I always feel dirty doing it in there, like I’m doing something morally wrong. I think it has something to do with the lighting. It makes me feel like I’m jerking off in a mental hospital. But perhaps that’s just a personal hang-up.
The Shower [Grade: DD-cup]
When you need a little privacy, there’s nothing better than popping one off in the shower. There’s soap right next to you, no mess, no cleanup and it just feels like something that’s supposed to be done in there. If there were an official shower checklist, I imagine it would go something like this:
_ Wash hair
_ Pee down the drain
_ Wash body
_ Sing loud and off-key
_ Jerk off
_ Dry off
_ HELICOPTER!
I’ve also recently learned about something called the shower beer. I’m not exactly sure where it would go on the checklist, but its future inclusion is mandatory.
The Bathtub [Grade: B-cup]
Someone pointed this out in the comments section last week, and I thought it was worth a mention. I’ve never actually tried this, but I think he might be onto something with this whole “floating balls” theory. Weightless jerking? It sounds like it might have its benefits, especially for those of us who aren’t in the best of shape, but there’s just one question that needs to be answered: What do you do when you’ve finished and everything is floating on the surface of the water, just above you? That’s gotta be an awkward moment.
I think this one has all the potential to be a D-cup scenario, but until we find a solution to that problem, I can’t grade it any higher than a B-cup.
Well, that’s all I got for you today, folks. Thanks for hanging around, though. If I forgot to mention anything or you know of another place to sneak one in, share it with us in the comments below and help your fellow SCORELAND Blog readers out. Also, as a personal thank you for making it all the way to the end, I offer you this…
Because, really, everyone should have a little Faith. THAT’S how we reward you here at the SCORELAND Blog.
Now if you’ll excuse me, these floors aren’t gonna sweep themselves.