It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and you know what that means, don’t you? It means that every guy in the bar tonight will throw on the beer goggles and try to fuck anything that walks. And probably some inanimate objects, too.
The idea of beer goggles was always funny to me. We drink and we drink until every girl at the bar becomes pretty, at which point we can then take them home, fuck them and not be disgusted with ourselves. You know, because we’re such fucking studs that we have to be absolutely bombed to go dumpster diving with a girl who isn’t a fucking super model. Or, you know, maybe it’s just our own insecurities. Beer goggles don’t transform ugly girls into pretty girls. They transform uptight douchebags into normal human beings.
We say that being drunk is an excuse to fuck someone we wouldn’t normally fuck, but the truth is, WE WOULD ABSOLUTELY FUCK THAT GIRL! We just don’t want to get made fun of by our male friends who are hiding behind those same exact insecure thoughts. Sometimes, as men, we really are just that stupid.
That’s why being shit-faced is great. When you’re THAT gone, you’re not thinking about anyone other than you. That girl on the dance floor who’s more Khloe than Kim (Kardashian)? The girl at the bar who may be packing a little extra around the midsection? You’ll totally try to fuck those girl in the parking lot now! And that’s good, because one of them might be the blow job champion of her hometown. And the other one might secretly love anal. And you wouldn’t have known any of that if you were too busy being terrified of what one of your insecure, jackass friends was going to say about you the next day.
If you’ve ever been one of those douchebag guys–and believe me, we all have–don’t go feeling bad about it now. It’s human nature to be insecure. You just need a way to overcome it. That’s why, this St. Paddy’s Day, I want you to go out and get hammered. I want you to drink till you’re blind and can’t form complete sentences. I want you to do as many Jägerbombs as it takes to break free from the shackles of your own insecurities and fuck the girl with the hairy arms.
Because you never really know what you’re missing out on until you ride it like a drunken cowboy.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Now go fuck something.
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