RULES OF THE ROOM
Or, how to avoid getting bounced.
I’ve had my hand pushed away by a lap dancer. But never twice by the same lap dancer. At least not on the same part of her body.
I’ve locked my mouth around a lap dancer’s tit and heard, “Lick. Don’t suck.” And she only had to tell me once.
I’ve had hundreds of lap dances, some good, some bad, some memorable, and by now, I think I know the Rules of the Room.
You’re not going to see the Rules of the Lap Dance Room posted anywhere. You just have to know them.
1. No means no. Listen to what she says! You do not want to piss off your lap dancer. She’s your friend. You want her to make you happy. You want her to want to make you happy. So when she tells you not to bite or suck her nipple, don’t bite it. If you’re kneading her tits like a pile of dough and she says, “Soft, not hard,” then soft, not hard, it is.
2. Do not try to finger her pussy unless she invites you to do it. Don’t worry. She’ll let you know if it’s okay. You’ll be playing with her hips. Maybe your hand will wander over her G-string. And she’ll direct your hand to her pussy. If she does, rub it. If she moans, finger it. The same rule applies to her ass, although I’ve been with only a handful of dancers who let me finger their assholes. Which brings me to the next rule…
3. If she’s letting you finger her, don’t go from her pussy to her ass and back again. That’s an hygienic no-no.
4. Keep your cock in your pants unless she invites you to take your cock out of your pants, which she probably won’t. Violating this rule could get you thrown out of the club if there’s a bouncer nearby.
5. Don’t try to kiss her on the lips. Kiss her ears (but don’t stick your tongue in them), kiss her shoulders, kiss her neck, but don’t try to kiss her on the lips, don’t try to French her and don’t slobber! Besides, for reasons I’m not going to go into here but should be obvious, you don’t want to French her.
6. Remember, a good dancer not only wants to make you happy this time, she wants to keep you as a customer. She’ll let you know what you can do, either by directing your hands or whispering in your ear. On the other hand…
7. A good, professional dancer never gives it all away during the first song. Chances are–and this only goes for a good dancer–the more you invest, the more comfortable she’ll get with you and the more risqué she’ll become. The more certain she’ll be that you’re not a cop. Strippers are like real-life girls in that way. The more time you spend with them, the nicer they are to you. Unless you’re an asshole.
8. Don’t be afraid to make special requests. No, I’m not telling you to say to her, “Blow me.” What I’m saying is, if she’s facing you and you want to see her ass, just say to her, “Let me see your ass.” Say it politely, not gruffly. If she has her ass in your face and you want to see her tits, ask her to turn around. Don’t say, “Turn around, bitch.” Say, “Let me see those beautiful tits again.”
Finally, make sure your cock is facing the right way (whatever’s comfortable for you; for me, it’s up and leaning left). Don’t be afraid to say to her, “Can you give me a second to adjust myself?” She’s been through this routine before. And be discreet when the bouncer or bartender are nearby or in the room. In other words, when the bouncer walks by isn’t the time to shove a finger up her tight little ass.
Know the rules of the club. Know the girl’s rules. If you really like a dancer, build a relationship with her. No, I’m not telling you to take her home to meet the parents. With familiarity comes better, hotter dances.
To be continued.
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