The Uncensored Guide to Lap Dancing: Part One

February 15, 2016 by Elliot James 4 Comments
Getting the perfect lap dance takes some preparation. Here are the tools to achieve it.

This is a man who knows how to do his homework. The girl he's studying is Alyssa Lynn.

We’ve all had them: lousy fucking lap dances. Lap dances that turn your cock into soft tissue. The chick grinds too hard (ouch!) or not at all (blue balls!). She pushes your hand away when you try to touch her tits or grab her ass. She’s completely disinterested in you. She’s just working, and you’re just another sucker. You’re halfway through the first dance, and you can’t wait for the song to end so you can get her off your lap.

Of course, we’ve all had great lap dances, too. Dances you didn’t want to end. Dancers who were so good, you tried as hard as possible to keep from popping in your pants so the dance could last longer. Lap dances that were better than sex.

Nobody wants a bad lap dance. We all want to have a good time and get off. But how can we be certain that the next time we tuck our hard-earned cash into a dancer’s garter, heaven awaits?

Fortunately, there are ways to assure the perfect lap dance. We know. The two writers of this story have been getting lap dances for a combined 60 years, and we want to share our knowledge. It’s “The Uncensored Guide to Lap Dancing.” No bullshit. We’ve divided this special report into three sections: “Do Your Homework” “Rules of the Room” and “Lap Dance Etiquette.”

Ignore one or more of these sections at your own peril. Read ’em all, digest ’em and you’re on your way to lap dance nirvana.

DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

Or, don’t lap the first dancer you see

Your quest for the perfect lap dance begins before you walk into the club. That’s because your quest for the perfect lap dance begins or ends with what club you pick for your evening’s entertainment.

Looking for a great lap dance? Do not go to clubs with lots of customers and fast-paced action. You want to go to a club where the girls have few choices in men and want to make money. These are the girls who will work for your cash. So, that new club down the street, the one with the fancy, neon signs, doormen and valet parkers out front? Stay away. The neighborhood club down the street? That’s where you want to be. New in town or not sure? You might want to check out The Ultimate Strip Club List (tuscl.com).

If possible, avoid walking into a club during the busiest hours of the day, like Friday and Saturday nights and after work gets out at five p.m. Walk into a strip bar three o’clock on a weekday afternoon and you’ll have dancers circling you like sharks.

But don’t let them take a bite out of you. Not yet! Because by the time your dancer of choice plops down into your lap and starts grinding her hips, it’s too late. Your lap dance fate has been sealed…even if you don’t know it yet.

Why? Well, face it. The only thing you know about her is what she looks like, and that’s not enough. You have no idea whether  she’s a good lap dancer or a total dud. You have no idea whether you’re going to get bang for your buck or just a limp dick. You haven’t done your homework, and in lap dancing, as in any other worthwhile  endeavor in life, you have to do your homework. Fortunately, this is one of the rare areas of life in which doing homework is fun.

So, you walk into the club, and you’ve barely reached the bar when a drop-dead gorgeous chick with huge tits, wearing just a tiny bra-and-G-string getup, walks up to you and asks you if you’d like a dance. Or she asks you if you’d like some company. Or you’re already sitting and she points to the empty stool next to you and says, “Mind if I sit here?”

Now, listen, both you and I know that it would be rude for you to say, “Yes. I do mind if you sit there.” The fact is, she can sit wherever the hell she wants.  But what she means is, “Mind if I sit here so you can buy me a ridiculously overpriced drink”–drinks for the dancers almost always cost a lot more than drinks for the patrons–”and talk you into a lap dance?” That’s what she really means.

Because remember the first rule of lap dancers: They don’t give a shit about your problems or your personal life. They have no interest in sitting there and talking to you unless they think you’re a good investment.

This is followed by rule No. 2, which reads, “Dancers are very good at acting like they do give a shit about your problems and your personal life.” It’s what strippers are best at. It’s what they do for a living.

I’m not trying to burst your bubble or anything like that. I’m just trying to give you the facts. I’m trying to save you heartache, heartbreak and money.

So, the correct answer  to “Mind if I sit here?” is, “I just got here so I’m just going to hang out and check it out for a while.” She’ll interpret that as, “Yes, I do mind if you sit here,” but she’ll appreciate that you said it in a polite way. She’ll also say something like, “Okay. I’ll come back and check on you later.”

Now, some of you might be thinking, “Asshole, what did you do? You sent away a gorgeous chick with big tits!”

Relax! Sit down at the bar. You can hook up with the gorgeous chick with big tits later, after you’ve done your homework.

To be continued.

VN:F [1.9.13_1145]
Rating: 0.0/5

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Categories: , , ,

4 Comments

  • ca united kingdom

    Been sometime since I visited a lapdance club but used to try get into a club often a few years back. They have become very expensive here and many now wont allow you to touch the girls. Finding a chick with big tits is also tricky, I enjoy a lap dance but something is clearly missing if shes not a big titter. My top tip…. wear loose trousers and I didnt used to wear boxers but be carefull as it can get messy. If possible I used to roll on a condom but if shes good you can blow a load!!!!

    VA:F [1.9.13_1145]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Rooster9

    I’m not a big fan of strip clubs. The girls are too aggressive looking for suckers and the atmosphere can be seedy even at upscale clubs. If they were operated in a better way I would most likely go. I did get a few lap dances from Claudia Marie and Julia Sands!

    VA:F [1.9.13_1145]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Boobhound

    So far, I totally agree. I hate going to the big, popular clubs for this reason. They’re always too crowded, and you’re almost never allowed to touch. The small ones are better. I scope out the girls until I see one with tits I like (the bigger, the better), since the majority have small boobs anyway. If she’s got nice cans, I go for it instantly. I don’t wait for some other schmuck to get my sweater meat, I stake my claim instantly. Oh yeah, I find Mon thru Wed to be the best days to go, depending on when your favorite girl is actually working. It’s much less crowded so no competition, and no d-bags in large groups. Next…

    VA:F [1.9.13_1145]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Richard

    A few other things, from a regular at a big city club:

    Dress appropriately. It’s not just a matter of looking like you have money, remember that a beautiful young woman is going to be rubbing her soft skin against you and your clothing. That means no rough, heavy jeans. No large studs or buttons. No heavy belts with huge buckles (personally, I never wear a belt when going to a club). Shave before going, too. They might not care for stubble….

    Be nice to the staff as well as the dancers. They’re the ones who can look the other way when hands start wandering or let you run a little over in a private booth or room.

    Don’t forget to tip! A lot of the “fee” for the dance goes to things like stage fees. And the dancers are almost always treated as “independent contractors” from a payroll standpoint. That means there’s no guaranteed wage, no health coverage, no benefits… On slow nights, a dancer can actually *lose* money.

    For all the sexiness that goes on, keep in mind that they call these places “Gentlemen’s clubs”. There’s nothing wrong with being a Gentleman when you go there…..

    VA:F [1.9.13_1145]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
 

Leave a Comment