I am going to start this post off by saying that I don’t have a dick. I know this because I was born a woman. Also, because I checked just now, and nope, I am sans penis.
But today I am going to have a serious discussion with you about jerking off.
I will give you a moment to process that.
Okay, now your next thought should naturally be, “Why is Maria, the notoriously busty, obviously female editor of V-mag, going to talk to ME about cocking the gun? About choking the chicken? About firing the Surgeon General? About the rise and fall of Peter the Great? About one-man tug of war? About the five-digit disco? Why is Maria talking to me about saying hello to my little friend?”
Well, the answer is simple and yet, not really so simple. You see, I am going to talk to you about punching the munchkin because upon seeing the new Tenga 3D Spirals in our warehouse, I stopped and said, “How the fuck do you use one of those things?”
Here is the thing, fellas…I am a chick. We have all sorts of toys and gadgetry aimed at helping us achieve the big “O”, and even better, achieving our “O” face. For us, toys are a commonplace thing. You open our bedside table drawers and you will find things that buzz, plug a variety of holes and, more than likely, a lube we enjoy. It’s all in there. We buy this shit, I promise you.
But guys, well, you guys have long been reduced to using just your hand.
Think about that.
You, the owners of tools for every job under the sun, have no tools for your, um, tools.
Why is that?
Guys love gadgets and gizmos. They love technology and all that comes with it. So why are you guys still jacking off like cavemen?
And before you say, “My hand works just fine…” let me just say, “Hi, I have hands, too. And fingers. Nice to meet you.”
Because we chicks could use our hands to rub one out, too. And we do, in a pinch when our vibrators are not around or out of batteries. But women will tell you…our toys take us to the promised land every time and much faster and more intensely than just double-clicking our own mouse with our fingers. I promise you. If you put two women side-by-side and asked them to masturbate until they came…like a bust-a-nut race if you will…the lady with the toy would win every time. She would probably have a bunch of orgasms before the lady and her hand even got warmed up.
Why?
Because toys are designed for us to cum harder and faster than we do when we just use our hands. And now, through the miracle of modern fucking science, you can cum harder and faster than you do by just using your hands.
No, it’s true. I can’t even make this shit up.
But I figured since you are men and you need proof and visual aids and stuff that I would grab a Tenga off the shelf and acquaint myself with the art of jacking off with one. And that’s exactly what I did and documented with the help of one of our helpful photogs in the SCORELAND studio.
First off, the Tenga is fucking cool looking. It comes in a case that makes it look like something you would buy at one of those cool, “I’m a man and I love gadgets” stores. You can leave this thing on your nightstand and it won’t scream LOOK AT ME! I’M A TOY FOR YOUR DICK! And it feels awesome, too. I mean, the minute I held it, I thought, “Wow, if I had a dick, I would totally want to put it in this thing.”
And then…I used the Tenga 3D Spiral.
What transpired will go down in “Chick using a guy’s jack aid” history.
But don’t take my word for it because seeing is believing.
Below, you will find a step-by-step guide on how to jerk off with a Tenga 3D Spiral, written and directed by someone without a penis. I think that because I don’t have a dick, I am the perfect candidate to tell you how to jerk off with one of these. Mostly because I have tits and also because I am very thorough. 🙂
So check it out, and then, if you are so inclined, click HERE and check out how to get your hands on (and your dick in) a Tenga 3D Spiral.
They are priced pretty well. Trust me. I payed almost $200 for a toy once. And it needed batteries. This thing doesn’t need any batteries. It runs on man power. That’s good for the environment. That makes you a hero. 🙂
And the cleanup is pretty easy, too. They even give you a stand for it to dry on.
Clearly, whoever designed this HAS a penis.
I’m just the gal who is going to show you how to use it on your penis.
It’s 2012…you have gadgets and technology for every room in your house, your car and your life. Isn’t it time to upgrade your jack game, too?
STOP JACKING OFF LIKE A CAVEMAN!
Welcome to the future.
xoxo,
Maria
Place the Tenga on the stand, halfway up until it dries (about 1/2 hour) and then push it all the way down, put the lid back on it and store. OR leave it on your night stand. It’s a conversation piece. Like a good book on a coffee table.
Once it’s flipped, clean off the outside.
Then flip the Tenga inside out under the water.
Take your Tenga to a sink and rinse it under running, warm water.
Place the toy on the convenient tray for temporary storage while you collect yourself and wonder why you didn’t buy one of these sooner.
Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Say something like, “Oh, fuck! This feels amazing!” and then shoot your load inside of the Tenga.
Slide your dick inside the Tenga.
Get your dick ready for the ride of its life.
Crack open the lube and put it all over the ridge at the opening of the Tenga and pour some inside.
The Tenga comes with a convenient packet of lube. You can purchase more lube on the eboobstore with your order.
You will note that the ridges and spirals are now on the inside, waiting to take your dick to heaven, man.
Once you do that, it should look like this.
Grab the Tenga and turn it inside out.
The spiral texture you are looking at is actually the INSIDE of the Tenga. These spirals and ridges are going to stroke your dick.
Take off the case’s lid and voila! Your Tenga awaits.
The Tenga comes in an awesome case that makes for convenient storage. Like a garage for your cock gizmo.
July '12 Voluptuous magazine: get it in print or in digital.
Here is a pairing of two future legends in the new July ’12 issue of Voluptuous magazine.
I think of the great V-mag duos over the years such as:
Linsey and Chloe
Jessica Turner and Lorna Morgan
Kerry Marie and Cassandra
Cherry Brady and Brandy Talore
Autumn-Jade and Sierra
Annie Swanson and Lilith
Sammy Black and Jenny Hill
Kelly Kay and Bozena
This one-on-one of Natalie and Micky belongs in that league of all-stars.
And featured in this edition:
Anastasia Blake
Angel DeLuca
Ashley Sage Ellison
Elaina Gregory
Melonie Max
Nancy Navarro
Reina Lee
Sonja Haze
It’s here. 20 years in the making. The June 2012 SCORE is now hot off the printing press. Celebrating two decades of bringing big boobs to the world. Get your copy today at your favorite store, or get it direct from eBoobStore.com.
It’s also available in a digital version for reading on tablets.
I like new tech, but it’s only a means to an end, and that end is the love of big tits.
LA Bust was the covergirl of the first issue, June 1992
Veteran subscriber Delmo writes “Scorecard”:
“Twenty years already? Time flies when you’re having fun perusing the best big-boob mag on the market. I remember buying the second issue on the stands in 1992 and was hooked. Here was a newcomer to the big-boob scene that could compete with, and beat, Gent, D-Cup, Hustler’s Busty Beauties, etc.! Being a completist, I quickly tracked down the first issue, and, with the help of subscribing a number of years ago, I have the whole run of SCORE to date. I even have a handful of the short-lived UK version, TEASE. Congratulations on reaching this impressive milestone, and may you have 20 more years. I know I’ll still be buying.”
B.S. writes: “Thanks for the fast delivery of the DVD Venera’s Busty Debut. She is the wildest tit flopper I have ever seen. Those long, loose tits flapping and slapping at high speeds are a fantastic turn-on. I love the soundtrack with all the very loud tit slaps.
“Her high-energy style has those hangers going everywhere. Her bending-over tit-swinging and standing lifts and drops are awesome. Great camera work on the tit closeups and angles showing every detail. Nice blue-vein views. Venera is an overall beauty. I love her cute face and tiny ass with a full-sized pussy under it. Her ass and pussy cracks are about the same size. Please let us know what is next on Venera’s DVD schedule.”
Filmed in Jamaica, Venera’s Busty Debut was one of the DVDs Melissa Manning pulled out of a Xmas stocking on the latest episode of SCOREtv. Watch the trailer in the eBoobStore and you’ll see why B.S. is a satisfied tit-loving guy, ’cause seeing is believing. Venera is one of the world’s most naturally slim-n-stacked girls, a true wonder.
Where's the chick popping out of the cake? We deserve one!
It’s SCORE magazine’s 20th birthday. The best big-tit magazine on Earth has published a 164-page June 2012 edition, and you can get the digital version direct from us right now before the print magazine hits stores on March 20.
The readers created this edition by voting for their 20 favorite SCORE Girls.
The “20 for 20” SCORE Girls they voted for are: Kerry Marie, Sharday, Chloe Vevrier, Minka, Leanne Crow, Merilyn Sakova, Karina Hart, Janet Jade, Lorna Morgan, Busty Dusty, Christy Marks, Danni Ashe, Nicole Peters, Venera, Linsey Dawn McKenzie, SaRenna Lee, Tiffany Towers, Tawny Peaks, Pandora Peaks and Ines Cudna.
Plus, there are 17 pages of the hottest big-tit hardcore scenes in the magazine’s history, and my “Boob Beat” column looks at 20 years of chasing the girls with the big bras.
By the way, the print subscribers got this issue in their mailboxes before we got our office copies from the printers. That’s pretty good subscriber service, in my book. I usually get Esquire magazine late with a ripped cover.
Here’s a “Scorecard” letter from a “SCORE lifer” and a friend, D.J. in Texas:
“In 1992, I heard about the upcoming inaugural issue of SCORE magazine in a pack-in from the sales catalogs I was receiving way back then and eagerly awaited the first issue, which I was convinced would be a magazine perfect for my tastes. Indeed, it was. The magazine remains a favorite and a treat with every issue I buy, especially over the past couple of years with the advent of models like Merilyn Sakova, Miosotis, Kristina Milan, Beshine, and my new favorites, Hitomi and especially Venera. From the very beginning, I recognized that I was part of a family that appreciated a certain kind of woman, now known as the SCORE Girl, and remain a proud member of that family. I wish all the other members of the family the very best and look forward to the next 20 years of the best magazine ever.”
So “carpe diem,” Boob Brothers. That means “Drop your cocks and grab your socks.”
It’s one of the best and hottest SCORE has made in only the last 20 years.
How many boob-hounds do you know who would fly Angela from Australia to St. Maarten, bring along Maggie Green for the ride and spend a week following Angela with cameras rolling as she did her first hardcore-action scenes?
I’ll tell you. No one else. There is no one.
At SCORE, Angela is a VIP and she’s been a VIP since 2003.
Get yours fast and easy from eBoobStore. You owe it to yourself.
And you’ll have it anytime you want to see Angela treat the hard wood as only she can.
There’s tons of porn stars out there. Most of them look alike, talk alike, think alike, walk alike and most of them bang alike.
But there’s only one Angela White.
Why do you think Angela was voted SCORE Hardcore Performer of the Year?
A small amount of Boob Cruise 2K issues were just discovered.
The warehouse men were organizing some shelves when one of them found a dusty box tucked away in a forgotten corner high up on a shelf out of sight.
He opened it to find pristine, mint-condition copies of the long-sold out Holiday 2000 SCORE.
This was the Boob Cruise 2000 issue, the chronicle of the fifth and final SCORE sailing, this time on the Windjammer ship, The Legacy, in April, 2000. The ship sailed out of St. Thomas in the US Virgin Islands and on to such islands as St. Croix, Jost Van Dyke and Sandy Cay.
What a group of passengers! Linsey Dawn McKenzie, Jessica Turner, Lorna Morgan, Maxi Mounds, Donita, Ariana, Adina, Jessica Justice, Windy Leigh, Melody Foxxe, Tanya Danielle, Dawn Stone, Casey James, Brittany Love and Minka all on one very cool sailing ship. Joining them was Alyssa Alps. Alyssa wrote the ship’s log for the magazine that year.
I was on that ship. My associate E. and I had the job of recording the daily activities on-board and on the islands we visited. He and I didn’t sleep much that week. But sleep could wait until our return to the States. Every day, we would photograph what the girls were up to, day and night, and write the logs, then beam it at night to the SCORE building in Miami.
We had a portable satellite dish that we’d set up on various parts of the ship depending on the time and weather conditions. It was an experiment in the unknown. We didn’t know if it would work, but it did. Every day, SCORELAND members would log in and see the latest pictures and read about what was going on that day. We couldn’t transmit video from the ship, but back then, posted videos on the Net were one-minute clips. Anyone reading this remember the early days of the Web?
That week is still archived at SCORELAND in the “Galleries” section.
Anyway, that 164-page Holiday 2000 SCORE was the most highly anticipated edition of 2000, and when it hit the stores, it had the biggest “sell-through” ever of any SCORE mag. It has full layouts of all of the girls, lots of candid pictures of all of the activities on deck and on the islands and, of course, there’s Alyssa’s daily log of life in the Caribbean with an army of naked SCORE Girls. Double-A was the longtime “On The Road” columnist at SCORE, and she was the perfect scribe for this job.
If you never owned this issue, get one now while we have them. I thought all the copies were long gone, cleaned-out.
I have a copy at home wrapped in plastic and untouched since 2000.
I’ve seen this issue selling at used-magazine websites for 22 bucks.
We’re selling it for $10 postpaid, an unbeatable price.
About to leave for the airport to St. Thomas, USVI.
Get it right now at your favorite retail newsstand or direct from your friends at SCORE‘s eBoobStore.
If you buy a copy at the newsstand, there will be a free DVD included with the magazine, either Juggy Bangers or Cleavaged Creamers.
Gone paperless? Download the digital copy on your tablet or PC.
Whether it’s paper or electrons, just feed your need for huge, beautiful hooters.
This edition stars covergirl Hitomi, Arianna Sinn, Dixie Devereaux, Aspen, Chavon Taylor and Marilyn White plus Charlie Cooper, Alex Chance and Destiny Rose all in dangerously combustible hardcore action.
The price is right. Get back issues of SCORE, Voluptuous, XL Girls, Buxotica, Naughty Neighbors, 40Something, BootyLicious, Leg Sex, Newcummers and 18eighteen for as low as $2.99 each.
Load up or fill in those annoying gaps in your library. Get the back issues you’ve missed or that your friends stole from you. Makes a great gift, too.
These are printer-fresh issues in mint condition straight out of the boxes in our warehouse, just a few steps away from my desk. These are not used mags or store returns.
May 2008 with covergirl Lorna Morgan
There’s a minimum order of six issues, and at these prices, it’s not a deal. It’s a steal. No magazine resellers anywhere can beat this.
Visit eBoobStore.com to check out the selection. You’ll get complete descriptions of each issue, too.
Questions? Call 305-662-5959.
We ship worldwide in 24 hours.
The only drawback? This sale is good through February, so jump in now.
The Breast of XL Girls is an informative, educational and socially important learning guide for both boob hounds as well as for curvy women worldwide who want to improve their sex lives. It’s the most-authoritative DVD yet on the intimate and little-known subject of large ladies engaged in the unbridled joys of carnal knowledge. See what goes on behind the closed doors and shaded windows of the XL Girl.
Written by noted sex researchers at The SCORE Group and starring 26 of the most-popular models from XL Girls magazine, The Breast of XL Girls is an indispensable addition to DVD shelves in every home and every university library.
We have spared no expense to bring you the finest, horniest, sexiest, bustiest, assiest dolls enjoying the most-energetic and boob-shaking poundings and creamings by rigid cocksmen in a new EIGHT-HOUR, 2-disc set. That’s 478 minutes of fucking. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
Look at this line-up!
Analee Sands
Arianna Sinn
Bailey Santanna
Bunny De La Cruz
Charlie Cooper
Dallas Dixon
Daniella Grey
Dawn Davenport
Gia Johnson
Glory Foxxx
Jade Parker
Julia Juggs
Kristina Milan
Lady Snow
Lisa Canon
Maria Moore
Melonie Max
Monique L’Amour
Nikki Cars
Peaches LaRue
Porsche Dali
Samantha 38DD
Sapphire
Simone Staxxx
Twilight Starr
Vivian Alise
Watch the three-minute trailer at eBoobStore and see these curvacious cuties go to town. Your pocket pal will thank you.
