Sometimes it’s hard (nipples) to be a woman…
Minka's hard nipples are distracting.
I want to talk about something that I feel needs to be talked about. I want to talk about hard nipples.
Yeah, I said it.
I am not talking about naked hard nipples because once you have them all out in the open, hard nipples lose their hard edge. They are not as eye-catching or very serious at all once they are naked and in your line of vision or, if you are lucky, your mouth.
Nope.
What I want to talk about is what I like to refer to as the red flag of all things tit…hard nipples in a shirt. I am a woman and I have big boobs. Clearly, I have nipples. Clearly, they get hard. You would think that this would deter me in some way from staring when confronted by what Dave likes to call “Air-Conditioning Nipples.” It does not.
Nope, when I see a pair of headlights, I am struck stupid by their blinding lure. I stare. Nay, I gawk. I cannot help it. I know I am not alone. I know ALL of you stare, too. How can you not? It’s like two air-traffic control men are waving you in to the bone zone.
I started thinking to myself, “But just HOW distracting can hard nipples be? I mean, can ANYONE resist the lure when a pair of nips are staring you down?”
I decided to be scientific because let’s face it, experiments are fun and everyone secretly wants to be a scientist. I went to one of those gag stores in the mall. You know, the kind that sells everything under the sun that you will never, ever need but probably will buy. It was there that I found a pair of fake nipples. Yes…FAKE NIPPLES. They are rubber pasties with extra-big, extra-hard nipples that when worn over your real nipples and under your bra make your nipples look EXTRA hard. Like, mutant hard nipples.
Armed with these hard nipples, or rather, wearing them, and a very thin, very white tank top (a wife-beater, as they are known to be called), I headed over to the best possible place to conduct my experiment: the supermarket. I wanted to see just how much lure a set of hard nipples had, and I want to publicly state that the findings of my experiment were both epic and quite hilarious.
To say that my super-hard nipples caused quite a stir is an understatement. I didn’t even make it into my grocer’s door before the shenanigans began. Men pushing carts crashing into things. Then I went in and asked clerks questions like, “Do you know what aisle the sugar is in?” and “How can you tell if a melon is ripe?” I asked the butcher in the meat department what cut of meat was the best for grilling. I asked a stranger in the frozen foods section if he knew where the frozen peas were. I can say that NO ONE talked to me. They all talked to my breasts. The men I asked were extra helpful. The guy in the produce section offered to carry my melon for me. The meat department employee asked me about the weather, TWICE. (I think he wanted me to say it was cold.) The guy in the aisle wanted to know if I would like him to push my cart for me. (I think that was innuendo for, “Let me push my dick in you.”) LOL
Hard nipples...distracting, but delicious.
And the women in the store? Well, they looked at me like I was the dingo that stole their baby. One woman actually hissed at me. I am not making this up. She HISSED. The cashier, a younger gal, probably in her mid-20s, was so flustered that she couldn’t formulate a sentence. It was like she wanted to tell me off and point out my hard nipples, as if they were offensive. And not one but TWO bag boys needed to help me carry out my three bags of groceries. When I tipped them, one of them asked me for my number. Clearly, he wanted my nips, not my tips.
By the time I got into my car, I had concluded one thing: Hard nipples are a pretty serious force of nature. Their lure is undeniable and, frankly, powerful. So, to all the men reading this blog, I say, it is not your fault that you stare at them. They are a formidable opponent to the eye. And to all the women, I say this…with great power comes great responsibility, so if you know your headlights are on, be careful who you are blinding. You might just cause an accident!
xoxo
Maria
