October 30, 2011 by Maria
Are you surfing the Internet for porn and hiding it from your better half?
One of the best things about working where I work is that I can watch porn on my computer and no one cares. I will have conversations with people at my desk while some stacked babe is getting some meat in her taco and her breasts cordon bleu’ed and no one even so much as bats an eyelash.
And being a single gal, if I want to watch porn on my own time…I do so on my very large flat-screen television. Loudly. So my neighbors know what is going on. Or, at least they can imagine something is going on and probably hate me. 🙂
But, I started thinking about all of you tit lovers out there who belong to the exclusive M.W.H.P.F.T.W. club.
As in M.W.H.P.F.T.W…. Men Who Hide Porn From Their Wives.
I know that this group of men exist because lots of my guy friends belong to this club. While I am watching porn out in the open, these guys are hiding porn and watching it in the weirdest of places. (One of my friends has to wait until his wife goes to yoga class and even then, locks himself in their bathroom and flushes the toilet repeatedly in case she comes home unexpectedly and wonders what the fuck he is doing in the bathroom for so long!)
Are you sitting in front of your computer, waiting for a moment alone to log on and get off?
It made me start thinking about those of you that buy DVDs, watch porn from your mobiles and/or buy magazines.
I am sure the guys who buy DVDs are either single or have wives who are cool with porn. Cause it’s an actual DVD. You have to physically store it somewhere, right? I assume guys who like to wank to dirty magazines, (And you should be all wanking to V-mag, in my humble opinion!) like the portable and disposable commodity that a magazine provides. But they are physical items, too, so hiding them also presents a problem. That’s why I assume that the magazine reader is also either single or has a cool-with-porn mate. But what about the last group of porners? Those of you that surf the Internet on your PCs and mobile for porn.
I think that you guys are prime candidates for the M.W.H.P.F.T.W. club.
You, the clearers of browser histories. You, the stashers of pics, movies and files in secret folders buried in other folders, mislabeled and locked with passwords.
Am I wrong?
Where do you watch your porn? Are you hiding it from your mate? Why?
Listen, you can tell me these things. Sure, I am a woman…but I’m on your side. 🙂 I am practically the coolest chick you know. I like porn, you like porn. I like tits, you like tits. I have tits, you, um, like tits. It’s like we are best friends already. And knowing about how you guys like to watch the stuff that gets you off is my pleasure…and my job! 🙂 Think of me as the busty chick that does marketing research about your meat-beating experiences so that I can help you…umm…jack off better? Do some extra-discreet skeeting?
🙂 Let’s talk about it. I am not your wife. I’m your V-mag editor!
xoxoxo
Maria
February 24, 2010 by Guest Blogger
Ashley Sage Ellison hides her porn in her cleavage.
Last week, I solicited the help of you, the reader, for topics for this week’s “Bucking Bronco.” In the least surprising news of the decade, you failed me. Miserably. Therefore, you’re stuck with the topic du jour: why the hell do we hide our porn?
Get this. Even I hide my porn.
Now wrap your minds around that for a second. I’m a 28-year-old man who works in porn. My live-in girlfriend knows exactly what I do for a living. Even my parents are fully aware that I get paid to stare at naked women for eight hours a day. And yet, when I go home at night and turn on the computer, I have to click through a half-dozen secretly named folders just to find a picture of Ashley Sage’s beautiful boobs.
I’m not joking. And when I hide my porn, I go all out. I become a fucking ninja. You’re not going to come over to my house and find some gang bang action sitting right on my computer’s desktop. No, I tuck that shit inside of a folder, which goes inside of a folder, which goes inside of another folder, all named after some fake computer software that I know nobody in their right mind would ever go looking through. I name those folders all sorts of weird shit, too: RSU_Updates, WinPRN, BBMO98. The more intense the porn, the more elaborately I name the folder.
Even your Internet browser knows you’re playing 007 with that stuff. That’s why Firefox, Chrome and every other browser give you the option to start a “Private Browsing” session. Who, exactly, was that designed for, other than people looking at porn? Have you ever been looking at CNN’s website and thought, “Man, I really wish there were a way for me to hide this from my wife…” Of course not. It’s all about hiding the porn.
And here’s the reason.
No matter how confident your girl is in your relationship, no matter how much she trusts you, there’s always going to be that chance that she finds your porn collection on the one day she’s feeling insecure. And then you’re fucked. Because, generally speaking, women don’t see things the same way men do. As men, we know that even though our sex life may be fine, we’d like to watch an Asian girl get pounded in the ass once in a while. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we wish it were us. It just means that we appreciate that someone else filmed it for our enjoyment. Hey, who are we to argue?
If a woman were to find this on a particularly a bad day, though, you better believe you’re going to be having insecure, lights-off, missionary sex for the better part of a month. Good luck with that. Of course, that’s only going to come AFTER the three-hour “What does she have that I don’t?” conversation. And don’t even act like you haven’t had that one before.
So, in order to prevent this terrible chain of events, we bury our porn like a treasure chest. It may seem dumb, but it’s a necessary part of being a man. Admit it. You do it, too. It’s not an act of cowardice, so don’t feel ashamed. It’s just smart. Because in a perfect world, you can let the boobs roam free. But here in the real world, they’ve gotta be kept a few mouse clicks away from civilization.
Feel free to share your porn-stashing secrets in the comments below. Or tell us if you’re the pornographic rebel who leaves his shit out there for the world to see. Or just call me a jerk off. Whichever you prefer.
