How to jerk off using the Tenga 3D Spiral…written by someone without a dick.
I am going to start this post off by saying that I don’t have a dick. I know this because I was born a woman. Also, because I checked just now, and nope, I am sans penis.
But today I am going to have a serious discussion with you about jerking off.
I will give you a moment to process that.
Okay, now your next thought should naturally be, “Why is Maria, the notoriously busty, obviously female editor of V-mag, going to talk to ME about cocking the gun? About choking the chicken? About firing the Surgeon General? About the rise and fall of Peter the Great? About one-man tug of war? About the five-digit disco? Why is Maria talking to me about saying hello to my little friend?”
Well, the answer is simple and yet, not really so simple. You see, I am going to talk to you about punching the munchkin because upon seeing the new Tenga 3D Spirals in our warehouse, I stopped and said, “How the fuck do you use one of those things?”
Here is the thing, fellas…I am a chick. We have all sorts of toys and gadgetry aimed at helping us achieve the big “O”, and even better, achieving our “O” face. For us, toys are a commonplace thing. You open our bedside table drawers and you will find things that buzz, plug a variety of holes and, more than likely, a lube we enjoy. It’s all in there. We buy this shit, I promise you.
But guys, well, you guys have long been reduced to using just your hand.
Think about that.
You, the owners of tools for every job under the sun, have no tools for your, um, tools.
Why is that?
Guys love gadgets and gizmos. They love technology and all that comes with it. So why are you guys still jacking off like cavemen?
And before you say, “My hand works just fine…” let me just say, “Hi, I have hands, too. And fingers. Nice to meet you.”
Because we chicks could use our hands to rub one out, too. And we do, in a pinch when our vibrators are not around or out of batteries. But women will tell you…our toys take us to the promised land every time and much faster and more intensely than just double-clicking our own mouse with our fingers. I promise you. If you put two women side-by-side and asked them to masturbate until they came…like a bust-a-nut race if you will…the lady with the toy would win every time. She would probably have a bunch of orgasms before the lady and her hand even got warmed up.
Why?
Because toys are designed for us to cum harder and faster than we do when we just use our hands. And now, through the miracle of modern fucking science, you can cum harder and faster than you do by just using your hands.
No, it’s true. I can’t even make this shit up.
But I figured since you are men and you need proof and visual aids and stuff that I would grab a Tenga off the shelf and acquaint myself with the art of jacking off with one. And that’s exactly what I did and documented with the help of one of our helpful photogs in the SCORELAND studio.
First off, the Tenga is fucking cool looking. It comes in a case that makes it look like something you would buy at one of those cool, “I’m a man and I love gadgets” stores. You can leave this thing on your nightstand and it won’t scream LOOK AT ME! I’M A TOY FOR YOUR DICK! And it feels awesome, too. I mean, the minute I held it, I thought, “Wow, if I had a dick, I would totally want to put it in this thing.”
And then…I used the Tenga 3D Spiral.
What transpired will go down in “Chick using a guy’s jack aid” history.
But don’t take my word for it because seeing is believing.
Below, you will find a step-by-step guide on how to jerk off with a Tenga 3D Spiral, written and directed by someone without a penis. I think that because I don’t have a dick, I am the perfect candidate to tell you how to jerk off with one of these. Mostly because I have tits and also because I am very thorough. 🙂
So check it out, and then, if you are so inclined, click HERE and check out how to get your hands on (and your dick in) a Tenga 3D Spiral.
They are priced pretty well. Trust me. I payed almost $200 for a toy once. And it needed batteries. This thing doesn’t need any batteries. It runs on man power. That’s good for the environment. That makes you a hero. 🙂
And the cleanup is pretty easy, too. They even give you a stand for it to dry on.
Clearly, whoever designed this HAS a penis.
I’m just the gal who is going to show you how to use it on your penis.
It’s 2012…you have gadgets and technology for every room in your house, your car and your life. Isn’t it time to upgrade your jack game, too?
STOP JACKING OFF LIKE A CAVEMAN!
Welcome to the future.
xoxo,
Maria
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- Place the Tenga on the stand, halfway up until it dries (about 1/2 hour) and then push it all the way down, put the lid back on it and store. OR leave it on your night stand. It’s a conversation piece. Like a good book on a coffee table.
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- Once it’s flipped, clean off the outside.
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- Then flip the Tenga inside out under the water.
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- Take your Tenga to a sink and rinse it under running, warm water.
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- Place the toy on the convenient tray for temporary storage while you collect yourself and wonder why you didn’t buy one of these sooner.
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- Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Say something like, “Oh, fuck! This feels amazing!” and then shoot your load inside of the Tenga.
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- Slide your dick inside the Tenga.
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- Get your dick ready for the ride of its life.
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- Crack open the lube and put it all over the ridge at the opening of the Tenga and pour some inside.
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- The Tenga comes with a convenient packet of lube. You can purchase more lube on the eboobstore with your order.
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- You will note that the ridges and spirals are now on the inside, waiting to take your dick to heaven, man.
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- Once you do that, it should look like this.
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- Grab the Tenga and turn it inside out.
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- The spiral texture you are looking at is actually the INSIDE of the Tenga. These spirals and ridges are going to stroke your dick.
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- Take off the case’s lid and voila! Your Tenga awaits.
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- The Tenga comes in an awesome case that makes for convenient storage. Like a garage for your cock gizmo.
