For some lucky guy, fucking Alexis Silver is just another day at the office.
At around 10 o’clock last night, I still had no clue what to write about, so I took to Twitter to get some ideas from my 150 or so followers. (Yes, I realize exactly how lame that sounds. Feel free to mock me accordingly.) They posed some interesting questions about porn, but one, in particular, caught my attention:
“Would you ever consider doing it?”
Believe it or not, in the three years that I’ve worked here and 14 years that I’ve been watching porn, I had never once thought about this question. So, would I?
I’d like to think that if I ever got the chance, I’d be the world’s best porn stud. I’d be that guy that all of the models were clamoring to work with. You’d look at my IMDB page and it would be like 700 porn movies long. And half of them would be well-known movies. Regular people would know me by name, and they’d stop me on the streets for autographs. I’d be that male porn star who transcends the business and winds up getting a lead role in the next Tarantino flick.
Of course, that was just my initial thought process. Admittedly, it has some flaws. After giving it some real thought, the truth is that I would never want to be in porn. Ever. And that’s probably best for all of us here today.
For starters, I don’t have the body for it. Most porn stars are ripped and/or hung like horses. I’m neither. I’m actually fairly average, and in porn, fairly average just doesn’t sell DVDs.
I’m also no good under pressure. Put me in a room with a girl and a bed and I’m fine. Add unbelievably bright lights, a cameraman getting all up in my business, and a director barking instructions and you might as well just replace me with a limp strand of spaghetti because there’s no way in hell I’m going to be able to perform under those conditions. I have a hard enough time concentrating when my cat is watching me.
But, assuming I could block all of that out, I would still lack the ability to last for the duration of a movie. It amazes me that those guys can go on for what seems like hours. I’m good for about 15 minutes, tops. And that’s with an average-looking girl. I couldn’t even imagine how quickly I’d be done if the girl looked anything like Alexis Silver. I’d maybe be able to pull off a 30-second commercial, but that’s about it.
The biggest problem I’d have, though, is this: I don’t know that I’d ever want people I know to see me naked. Some folks are perfectly comfortable with that sort of thing. I’m not. I’m that guy in the locker room, showering in his underwear, like a seven-year-old.
Call me a bitch if you want, but being a porn stud is a lot harder than it looks (pun intended), and I’m just not up to the task. What about you guys, though? Be honest. If we offered you the chance, would you jump on it? Or would you keep your day job?
Ashley Sage Ellison hides her porn in her cleavage.
Last week, I solicited the help of you, the reader, for topics for this week’s “Bucking Bronco.” In the least surprising news of the decade, you failed me. Miserably. Therefore, you’re stuck with the topic du jour: why the hell do we hide our porn?
Get this. Even I hide my porn.
Now wrap your minds around that for a second. I’m a 28-year-old man who works in porn. My live-in girlfriend knows exactly what I do for a living. Even my parents are fully aware that I get paid to stare at naked women for eight hours a day. And yet, when I go home at night and turn on the computer, I have to click through a half-dozen secretly named folders just to find a picture of Ashley Sage’s beautiful boobs.
I’m not joking. And when I hide my porn, I go all out. I become a fucking ninja. You’re not going to come over to my house and find some gang bang action sitting right on my computer’s desktop. No, I tuck that shit inside of a folder, which goes inside of a folder, which goes inside of another folder, all named after some fake computer software that I know nobody in their right mind would ever go looking through. I name those folders all sorts of weird shit, too: RSU_Updates, WinPRN, BBMO98. The more intense the porn, the more elaborately I name the folder.
Even your Internet browser knows you’re playing 007 with that stuff. That’s why Firefox, Chrome and every other browser give you the option to start a “Private Browsing” session. Who, exactly, was that designed for, other than people looking at porn? Have you ever been looking at CNN’s website and thought, “Man, I really wish there were a way for me to hide this from my wife…” Of course not. It’s all about hiding the porn.
And here’s the reason.
No matter how confident your girl is in your relationship, no matter how much she trusts you, there’s always going to be that chance that she finds your porn collection on the one day she’s feeling insecure. And then you’re fucked. Because, generally speaking, women don’t see things the same way men do. As men, we know that even though our sex life may be fine, we’d like to watch an Asian girl get pounded in the ass once in a while. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we wish it were us. It just means that we appreciate that someone else filmed it for our enjoyment. Hey, who are we to argue?
If a woman were to find this on a particularly a bad day, though, you better believe you’re going to be having insecure, lights-off, missionary sex for the better part of a month. Good luck with that. Of course, that’s only going to come AFTER the three-hour “What does she have that I don’t?” conversation. And don’t even act like you haven’t had that one before.
So, in order to prevent this terrible chain of events, we bury our porn like a treasure chest. It may seem dumb, but it’s a necessary part of being a man. Admit it. You do it, too. It’s not an act of cowardice, so don’t feel ashamed. It’s just smart. Because in a perfect world, you can let the boobs roam free. But here in the real world, they’ve gotta be kept a few mouse clicks away from civilization.
Feel free to share your porn-stashing secrets in the comments below. Or tell us if you’re the pornographic rebel who leaves his shit out there for the world to see. Or just call me a jerk off. Whichever you prefer.
Taylor Wane has the wet dream nurse down to a science.
This letter was published in “Scorecard” #45 back in 2001. It’s one of those topics that never gets dated. At first, letter writer Paul admits it was originally a complaint, but then he does a complete 180.
“As a devotee since 1997, you never stop amazing me with the quality of big titters. But this was going to be a letter of complaint regards the insult to my profession as a nurse. We try to destroy the myth that nurses are sex objects and are therefore the fantasy of men. As a man, I also have the fact that most people think that male nurses are gay. We are not. When I saw the pictorial of Linsey as a nurse, I thought, ‘Oh my God.’ Perfection. Words do not express what happened down below but it was a while before it returned to normal. So maybe I was being a prude. All I can say is would you mind asking SaRenna if she would do a nurse’s pictorial as she is my favorite model of all time.”
This in no way realistically depicts the nursing profession. Unfortunately.
The sexy nurse theme isn’t just used by horny publishers and movie studios. I was reading in a newspaper that the owners of Heart Attack Grill in Chandler, Arizona, filed a federal lawsuit against a new Delray Beach, Florida restaurant called Heart Stoppers, claiming that the Florida place is using the medical themes that Heart Attack Grill says it originated. It’ll be interesting to see how this case plays out. It seems to me that the costumed server theme is kinda universal. There have to be restaurants somewhere with waitresses dressed as cheerleaders or plaid-skirted co-eds. In Japan, there are cafes that feature waitresses dressed as French maids.
I love Jezhabelle, but this uniform was too baggy so it didn't make my top five.
Going back to Paul’s letter, A.) I never thought of male nurses as being gay and I didn’t know that people in general do, as Paul claims. B.) I absolutely do think of female nurses, in general, as sex objects. In my own life, I’ve never had a nurse who came close to looking like any of our models, regardless of the uniform. (Probably some lucky dudes have.) But I have seen some sensational-looking clerical staffers in various doctors’ offices. Maybe our friend Renee Ross, who says she wears scrubs in her job as a post-op nurse, will comment about Paul’s statements.
We don’t do lots of nurse-themed shoots. I wish we did more. My own top five SCORELAND nurses are 1) Cindy Cupps; 2) Autumn-Jade; 3) Cherry Brady; 4) Romina Lopez; and 5) Taylor Wane from March ’05 SCORE. Jezhabelle only made runner-up because her uniform was too loose-fitting and she was undressed by the fourth photo in the pictorial. Some nurse sets shot in England with Nicole Peters, Denise Davies and Linsey didn’t work for me at all because the girls wore real British nurse uniforms that couldn’t be any less sexless, not the over-the-top, costume-shop nurse uniforms and FM shoes that even the Heart Attack Grill and Heart Stoppers “nurses” probably would never wear.
I wonder if Paul is still reading SCORE and if he’s approved of all the nurse pictorials that we’re published since he wrote us in 2001. I hope to think so.
Deserves an award for all-time sleaziest nurse outfit.
Oh, SCORELAND…the place where fantasies come true. Or cum true…depending on who you speak to. 🙂
I personally love SCORELAND. I love it when we have all sorts of exciting things going on. I love it when we have a new special up and new busty debuts. I love it when I’m just surfing around in the archives and come across something cool.
I love it when we get to see a hottie fuck for the first time. I love it when we go on location and post pics live from the other side of the world.
SCORELAND just fucking rocks my socks about as much as it does your cocks.
“But how do I convey that to you?” I said to myself? How do I say how awesome SCORELAND is to our members?
Then I thought…say it with cream. 🙂
A picture is worth a thousand words. lol
xoxo
Maria
Ivy Darmon says it with cream, and there ain't nothing wrong with that!
One of our prolific Voluptuous fans known as “The Feetosopher” is probably going to comment negatively about this topic because he’s a 100% barefoot and sole lover, but here goes. I love to see a girl wearing those skyscraper-heeled open-toed shoes affectionately known by pervs like me as “stripper shoes” or “F-M shoes.” Some examples are shown here. Even if a SCORELAND model doesn’t wear a pair in her pictorials or videos, I guarantee you she’s got three or four in her closet at home, whether she’s a stripper or not. I’ll bet that the girls who read our blog have plenty at home.
Linsey Dawn: you couldn't pull stripper shoes off her feet if you tried.
When I see a girl who would never even think of being a stripper wearing stripper shoes , I want to applaud her. When a girl says she wears them around the house, I want to give her an award. Linsey Dawn McKenzie used to practically live in these things. (I think I once dubbed LDM the Imelda Marcos of stripper shoes. ) Now a lot of guys don’t like them because they don’t like strippers or they just think they look stupid or trashy, and so do many girls. Not me. I’ve always believed that they give the ass, leg and foot incredible, super-sexy shapes. I’ve spent many a happy hour in a trance at strip clubs, slack-jawed, eyes glazed over, gazing at the dancer on stage, starting with 1) her tits 2) her feet if they’re in stripper shoes 3) her face 4) her legs 5) her ass and then back to the tits and feet again. I’m pretty sure my ancestors did something similar. (I stopped going to strip clubs some years back but that’s another story.) When I see a red-hot busty model wearing boring pumps or “glamourous” (ugh) shoes that a woman would wear at a wedding party, I’m disappointed if not despondent.
Faith's choice of footwear proves she's a top model.
As far as Hollywood celebrities, Jessica Simpson, who has her own shoe line, is on the right track a lot of the time. She’s definitely into the F-M stripper shoe mindset. Victoria Beckham thinks like that also and so does J-Lo. The best kind of TV for stripper shoe fans is Latin TV. On stations like Gala or Univision, babes of all ages are perched on chairs with crossed legs, dangling their shoe like Katie Couric used to do. Googlize “stripper shoes” and a zillion stores appear. Many outlets like Wicked Temptations or Flirt specialize in them and the number of styles, some really off the wall, is amazing. So a lot of people like them. And yes, I like bare feet too. In Bebe’s pictorial, she’s bare foot in the second half of the set. It was the best of both worlds. Stripper shoes. I like ’em and that’s final.
I believe that Eva Notty wears stripper shoes around the house instead of fuzzy, flat slippers with bunnies on them.
Cassandra's boobs look lovely. If only I had any idea what to do with them…
There are two things I’ve been razzed about during my brief stint as a contributor here at the SCORELAND Blog: not having a girlfriend and jerking off too much.
For starters, while the latter is probably true, to some extent, I’ll wear that label like a badge of honor. After all, it’s not like I jerk off because I can’t get a girl. I jerk off because I can. And the simple fact that it’s the middle of the afternoon and you’re on a porn site probably means that you subscribe to a similar theory.
Whatever. That’s not really all that important right now because today, the topic of conversation isn’t masturbation. Today, I’m coming to you with a confession. Today, I’m asking you folks for a little help.
Here’s the thing. You guys like to poke fun at me for needing a girlfriend, but the truth is, I have one. And the one I have is the one you want. Why? Because she’s cute and she’s funny, and, oh right… because she wears a size 34I bra! Got your attention now, don’t I? That’s not Merilyn Sakova. That’s not Karina Hart. That’s not even Christy Marks. We’re talking Kaytee Carter territory here. We’re talking boobs so big, I don’t even know what to do with them sometimes.
And that’s, sort of, where I need your help.
I know that may sound ridiculous–needing an owner’s manual for boobs does sound pretty silly and all–but here’s the thing: I’m not a boob man. My expertise resides solely in the southern region of a woman’s body. You give me a pair of long legs and a nice ass and I can give you 8,000,000 recipes for warm, delicious pussy pie. But you put a ripe rack in front of me and I can’t even figure out how to turn the oven on.
Now that’s not to say that I don’t like boobs. Nothing could be further from the truth. My girlfriend’s boobs are a thing of beauty. I just don’t have that deep, heartfelt appreciation for them that you folks seem to have around here. I see boobs as merely something to play with. You guys see boobs as something to be placed upon a pedestal and worshiped.
Which is fine because I’m pretty sure they should be. I just don’t understand why, exactly.
So help me out, SCORELAND zealots. Help me understand your boob-based religion. What am I missing? What is it about a woman’s rack that I’m clearly missing but you all see? Help me get inside the mind of a boob lover because until then, I have a feeling I might be wasting something that you all would be very happy to take off my hands.
As I write this, I am both giddy and worried as I am doing the unspeakable…
SHOWING YOU A MODEL WE JUST SHOT IN PARTS UNKNOWN WHO I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE UNVEILING YET.
Yes, this is a total SCORE security breach, but I had to show you these JUGS! Fresh tit flesh from parts unknown. CUMMING SOON TO SCORELAND!
Whoosh. Doing bad things is soooo exciting! 🙂
I am looking over my shoulder as I post this. This material is so hot…hot as in stolen from our library without permission. (Shhh…don’t tell.)
In fact, when I asked our web guy Alex to get this image ready for me, he said, “Dude. You’re not supposed to post this. You are gonna get in so much trouble.”
My answer to that is…
SERIOUSLY?
I just can’t see the harm in showing you a pic. Just one. Just to get your attention because this girl is smoking HOT like lava!
Okay, so here’s what I know…
We shot this on location somewhere overseas. I don’t know her name yet. (They have this girl under wraps, big time!) I don’t know where we shot her since our camera crews can be anywhere at any time.
But I do know that she is in her early 20sand works in some sort of retail shop. She has full G-cups, and this is her first time modeling EVER.
I think that she looks like a cross between Linsey Dawn and Bozena and that she is the fuckin’ cat’s meow! “Supposedly” we are going to unveil a set of her sometime soon on SCORELAND, but I decided it was a better idea to steal that thunder and this pic. 😉
So enjoy this shot, guys. I broke the law for you.
Alright…so there are some models that you see around our offices and you say, “Oh, it’s her,” and then you sort of stare for a second or two and that’s that. Then there are models who you see and you go, “HOLY SHIT!” and you start following her, not because you mean to, but because your feet are moving on their own accord. The former is the kind of model that Minka is.
I have seen Minka briefly a few times while I’ve worked here.
The first time was the day I came to interview at The SCORE Group all those years ago. You can imagine what it was like. I was nervous and getting my game face on while walking up to the building, and then, all of a sudden, the door swings open and out comes Minka in a robe and rollers. You CANNOT imagine what my face looked like. I think I mouthed the words “HOLY SHIT” upon the visual assault her melons launched against my eyeballs. (Which were probably popping out of my head!) Needless to say, I landed the job, but that night I distinctly remember going home, and while everyone wanted to hear about my new job, all I could do was say, “I saw this pretty, Asian woman there and her tits were bigger than my HEAD!” over and over to whoever would listen. lol
The second time I saw her was when she was here to film a few hardcore scenes a while back. I walked into the studio and was talking to a BootyLicious model when Minka came up to me and said, “You have big boobs!” and sort of perused my rack while I sat there in awe and shock and a generally dumbfounded state.
The third time was today when Dave screamed at me from the studio, across our Creative Room and said,”Maria! Come in here! Run! Fast!” And when I skedaddled over, he introduced me to Minka. Yes, I was face to face with the Asian wonder, and boy was I tongue-tied. Minka’s ginormous chesticles stunned me into silence. I think I may have said one or two semi-spaztastic things before they ushered me away from her boobliness so I wouldn’t make more of a fool of myself.
“Wow!” I thought. “I fucking blew it!”
But then I thought…”How many people get to meet Minka? Dude. I need to go in there and redeem myself. I need to let her know that I can say more than just Minka and tits and drool.” So, I summoned up some courage and some brass cojones and busted back into the studio, interrupted Dave and Elliot’s interview with Minka and did a blog video. Two good things came of that. The first is that Minka was very nice and even took a pic with me after where she rested her hand on my heinie!!!! (OMG!)
In this photo, Minka's hand is resting on my ass. LOL YES!!!
The second is that Dave spilled the beans about an upcoming ULTIMATE MINKA DVD. Yeah! Awesome, eh? (Keep an eye out!) I know you die-hard Minka fans will love it!
All I can say is, see what happens when you don’t give up? I’ll let you go now so I can go sing “The Impossible Dream” from Man of La Mancha at the top of my lungs around the office. lol Enjoy the video and the shot of Minka and I. (I look short and flat-chested next to her, which is kind of funny, but her boobs are really as big as my head, so there is no way my rack would look impressive at all next to that.)
SCORELAND just posted a fresh pictorial of Dallas Dixon from the January ’10 Voluptuous, and there’s something interesting about her personal life in addition to her busty-neighbor-next-door look.
Dallas Dixon's office attire, Jan. '10 Voluptuous
Dallas Dixon and not her husband in the V-Mag movie Hooter Hospital.
She’s been married for 10 years, has a regular job and her husband is cool with her fucking other guys. Now, he doesn’t want to bang other men’s wives or the check-out clerk at his supermarket. But he likes seeing his wife get cocked. Our SCORE TV reporter talked to Dallas while she was relaxing in the dressing room. She’s only posed for us, although I’m sure other companies have been after those great tits.
I’ve never been married to a porn star, a hooker, a promiscuous woman, a sex surrogate, a swinger or a free love advocate, so I don’t know how I could handle a situation like Dallas’ hub does. But I know guys who do. I don’t know if there is some secret to handling the thought of some guy’s cock in your woman’s pussy. There probably is.
Being the newly appointed editor to the greatest magazine in the world, Voluptuous, has its perks. I get to see titties, write about them, feel them (sometimes) and get felt up by hot chicks (More often than not.) lol
Christy, Angela, Gianna, Lorna and Terry. Big Boob Paradise, indeed.
I have no complaints about my gig. It’s actually a pretty rad job. But I do have a few heart-wrenching regrets. One of them is that I never got to meet Ines Cudna, which is probably for the best because she is so hot that my brain would blow some sort of circuit and I would probably just have ended up drooling in her presence. Another one is that I never went on a Boob Cruise. (As an experienced boater, fisher-woman and nautical genius, I would have been awesome on the Boob Cruises! Plus, I come with my own flotation devices! lol) But the biggest, most-epic regret of all time is that I didn’t go on the trip to Eleuthera,
Tits. Hands. Oil. Perfection.
Imagine being under this huddle o' titties!
Bahamas to be a part of the filming of Big Boob Paradise. Even typing that made me sort of sigh. You see, the line-up for the Bahamas trip was like the Olympic team of tatas. The Gold medalists of mams. The A-list of all A-lists. Christy Marks (Who is a friend and who I love to hang out with.), Terry Nova (Who is really shy, as I found out in Hungary.), Lorna Morgan (I’ve said it before! SHE BUTTERS MY BISCUITS!), Angela White (Who comments on our blog all the time. Hi Angela, queen of hotness!) and Gianna Rossi (Who could fuck me all week and twice on Sunday, she has that much sexual mojo. Whew!) If I had gone on this trip, I would have been able to die a satisfied woman. Seriously. Those five hotties, a tropical setting and barely any clothes on? Pfft. Total Excellence.
Sometimes I like to look at all the pics that were shot out there on that trip and daydream about what it must have been like to be among all those tit titans. One of my favorite shoots was the five-girl oil-a-thon that ran in the January 2008 SCORE. Talk about WOWZA! I love the shots where the girls all squeeze Christy’s oily tits. All those hands on that one set of titties…it’s a very horny scenario. And who wouldn’t love the big-tit huddle from above AND below? It’s awesome!
Hopefully we will do another Boob Cruise one day. Or even a trip to Jamaica for Big Boob Paradise 2, that I will get to go on. (I am an experienced traveler and I pack light, work hard and speak lots of languages. Jut putting that out there in case any of the big cheeses are reading this blog. *cough* TAKE ME! *cough* lol)
For now, let’s check out these pics and dream of what could have been, together.
